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 I ALWAYS GET TO BED BY HALF PAST NINE Long hours don't appeal to me, up late I never sit. Early to bed, I've always said, keeps us young men fit! One evening while in gay Paree, a nice young lady said "wee wee" I said such things aren't good for me I always get to bed by half past nine. An air raid warden shouted "men, expect a raid at half past ten." I said "No use, it's too late then, I always get to bed by half past nine." I never wander around after dark, I pop my nose under the clothes, And I'm up with the lark. Opposite, a girl so slick by candle light undresses quick, Nine thirty five she snuffs her wick, so I always get to bed by half past nine. I curl my knees up to my chin when into bed I fall All through the night I'm tucked up tight, with my face turned to the wall. Our little hens were making free, the rooster said don't flirt with me. I'm not so young as I used to be, I always get to bed by half past nine. A bookie bolted sad to tell, the punters all began to yell He shouted as he ran like - well! I always get to bed by half past nine. I never wander around after dark, I pop my nose under the clothes, And I'm up with the lark. A sultan said, you look hot stuff, my hundred wives I use no bluff. I said for me one's quite enough, I always get to bed by half past nine. I heard our old tom cat shout, Maria are you coming out? But Maria knows what she's about, cause she always gets to bed by half past nine. A nudist said "of clothes I've none, Still I won't be sat upon It's time I put my nightie on, I always get to bed by half past nine. I never wander around after dark, I pop my nose under the clothes, And I'm up with the lark. My family's too large for our flat, I've got fourteen kids - my hat. But I'm really not surprised at that, I always get to bed by half past nine. Back To Top Of Page I BLEW A LITTLE BLAST ON MY WHISTLE. Now when I was a boy, my mother's pride and joy She gave me a whistle this is it And no matter where I go, band of hope or picture show My little whistle always makes a hit. It's been a pal to me it's as easy as can be And to blow it doesn't use up any gristle, A lady came to tea, and when she smiled at Well I blew a little blast on my whistle. I've been to London too, Leicester Square and to the zoo, In the tube and even down the Strand, But no matter where I went I had no accident I always had my whistle in my hand. But once near Waterloo a near squeak it's true I trembled and my hair it seemed to bristle, A lady smiled and stopped and then she nearly dropped When I blew a little blast on my whistle. When in a country lane, while sheltering from the rain, I soon found out that I was not alone, I heard a sound like this (kiss), it must have been a kiss, Two lovers thinking they were on their own. They carried on disgraceful, I went all goosey like, But when the lady shouted "stop it Cecil!" I took it for a hint, and I had a little squint And I couldn't blow a blast on my whistle. Ah well, I'm married now, and I really don't know how, To tell you of the news that came today, I've a little son and heir, yes one, no not a pair, No wonder that I'm feeling bright and gay, I'm feeling very proud, but I mustn't talk so loud, I've been celebrating at the Rose and Thistle, He's a lovely little kid, and the first thing that he did Was to blow a little blast on his whistle. Back To Top Of Page I CAN TELL IT BY MY HOROSCOPE I can read the future and tell if fate's unkind. The stars I've read I'll look ahead and this is what I find Snowstorms and hails, blizzards and gales, through fog away we grope But next July its going to be dry I can tell it by my horoscope Climbing last week a big mountain peak, I slipped down the rocky slope I cried as I fell "I'm on my way to bed, I can tell it by my horoscope". There's lucky colours, lucky stones, lucky numbers too. Lucky eight as sure as fate will always pull me through. My cousin Kate is putting on weight, I said "Your beyond all hope" Nature's unkind, your future’s all behind, I can tell it by your horoscope. Said Grandpa so gay, mixed bathing one day "With Flappers I still can cope" I'm older in years but I've got some young ideas, I can tell it by my horoscope My cousin Joe pulled a wishbone with Flo and said, "For the best let's hope" Then he whispered, "Ooh! My wish is coming true, I can tell it by my horoscope". There's lucky colours, lucky stones, lucky numbers too. Lucky eight as sure as fate will always pull me through. I’ve studied stars, Venus and Mars, for Venus there isn't much hope. She's all wrapped in gauze with a pair of flannel socks I can tell it by your horoscope Back To Top Of Page I COULD MAKE A GOOD LIVING AT THAT I just can't remember the last time I worked I could blush with repentance and shame. When I think of the years that I've spent on the dole well I can't bear the sound of my name. But I'm going to reform and I'm looking around for a job that I think I can do. I'll just work like a horse and have no more remorse. There'll be no need for me to feel blue. Because I went to the races not long ago, and watched every jockey that won. He just sat on his horse while it covered the course and he got fifty quid when he'd done. Now if I understood horses and knew how to ride and worked off a bit of my fat. If I was head stableman to the great Aga Khan I could make a good living, Make a good living, make a good living at that. Some cricketers came from Australia last year, And the newspapers made such a fuss. I don't know what the row was about but it seems That they'd taken some cinders from us. There was one in particular, Don was his name He's the youngest one that gets my goat. For a millionaire chap liked his playing so much That he sent him a thousand pound note. Just imagine a lad picking money up so Just because he belonged to a club I could almost repent at the long years I've spent Playing dominoes down at the pub. Now if I understood cricket and what it's about And knew how to handle a bat If I could beat Bradman's score of three hundred and four I could make a good living, make a good living, make a good living at that. And if I went into Parliament that would be fine, I'd have such a lot to discuss. I would have some debates on the taxes and rates I'd duly create lots of fuss, And I wouldn't sit there and say nothing like some I would always be wearing my hat And if they made me Premier at ten thousand a year I could make a good living, make a good living, make a good living at that. Back To Top Of Page I COULDN'T LET THE STABLE DOWN I'm faithful to my comrades, my motto’s loyalty, I run straight with my stable mates and they run straight with me. Come on George you'll hear them roar, ten to one I'll start for sure, I'll pass the post by half past four, I couldn't let the stable down. To race in France I'll begin, quest que ce tres bon chin chin, I learnt that off a sardine tin, I couldn't let the stable down. We’ve got pride put on side, ride the high horse too, If we're late at the starting gate the horse will pull us through. Cast off clothes I used to sell, in riding breeches I look swell A girl said "cast off those as well," I couldn't let the stable down. Near the town hall yesterday with my horse I couldn't stay, They said "the mayor might come that way" And I couldn't let the stable down. "Your stomach's wrong," said Doctor Drew, "diet" I said "if I do, My favourite colours are pink and blue I couldn't let the stable down. We’ve got pride put on side, ride the high horse too, If we're late at the starting gate the horse will pull us through. In our nudist camp by gosh, what I wear makes me look posh, A nice transparent mackintosh. I couldn't let the stable down. With Violet I went in a wood, the wood violets were all in bud When I found out that Violet would I couldn't let the stable down I kmow a girl when nights are fine, walked in her sleep she looked divine Tonight I'm going to walk in mine I couldn't let the stable down We’ve got pride put on side, ride the high horse too, If we're late at the starting gate the horse will pull us through. A dame said "for a sport that's real, shoot at my country seat at Deal." I hit it three times off the reel, I couldn't let the stable down... Alternative couplet At hunt the button with Miss Moore, I played for hours and what is more, I found what I was hunting for, I couldn't let the stable down. Back To Top Of Page I DID WHAT I COULD WITH MY GASMASK Now I'm getting very fond of my gasmask I declare, It hardly ever leaves my side. I sling it on my back and I take it everywhere, It even comes to bed at night. It's been a real good pal to me I must confess And helped me out of many a mess. My sister had a lot of socks to mend, So she gave me a fat bouncing baby to tend, And when I felt it leaking at one end, Well I did what I could with my gas mask. I bought a farm because I like fresh air, At milking time a try to do my share. And when I found the bucket wasn't there I did what I could with my gasmask. The lady living next door, Mrs. Hicks She heard the sirens blow one morn at ten to six. She dashed outside in nothing but her nicks, But she knew what to do with her gasmask. By train I went for a very tiring ride, There wasn't any corridor outside. And when I felt the turning of the tide Well I did what I could with my gasmask. To see old Epstein's Adam in the nude I once thought I'd go with my Aunt Ermintrude And when she sniffed and said 'Uh!' how very rude Still he knows what to do with his gas mask. For years I've courted Anabella Price And always found her just as cold as ice Until one night the lass forgot her ma's advice Then I did what I could with my gasmask. Back To Top Of Page I DO DO THINGS I DO A daring little rascal, that's what my friends call me Getting into trouble is to me like A B C. At school I drew the teacher's face on someone else's slate, Now I'm grown up I write rude words upon the doctor's gate. Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do I did a daring deed today and didn't care a sou. I smacked a lump of meat outside a butcher's shop in Kew Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do; Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do I raised my hat one evening to a lady dressed in blue She said "How are you", I replied "What's that to do with you?" Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do; I went into a hosiers, I'd nothing else to do The man behind the counter said "What can I do for you?" I said "Are all your shirts quite clean, or are the clean ones gone?" "We've heaps" he cried, then I replied "Why don't you put one on?" Oh, oh I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do I made a policeman stop the traffic once at Waterloo He said "Do you want to cross the road?" I answered "No, do you?" Oh I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do Back To Top Of Page I DON'T LIKE I'm so shy in every way, can't tell what I want to say, afraid I'm much too slow Other lovers get on swell but when I'm beneath your spell, I can't let myself go. I don't like, full of passion I could be, You'd wonder what's come over me, but I don't like. If you knew, I could be romantic too And even prove how I love you but I don't like Can't we take a lesson from the birdies up above, they enjoy life's blessings And they all get along with a little bit of love. But I don’t like, on my knees I'd gladly go I'd be a regular Romeo, but I don't like. I don't like, when I'm all alone with you There's always something we could do, but I don't like I'm not rough, sure I've waited long enough I want to start and do my stuff but I don't like Can't we take a lesson from the birdies up above, they enjoy life's blessings, And they all get along with a little bit of love. But I don't like, if I had a stronger will, I'm certain I'd give you a thrill but I don't like I don't like, I've never loved a girl before, I'd take you home and lock the door, but I don't like. Back To Top Of Page I PARTED MY HAIR IN THE MIDDLE I used to be bashful and shy, for fast living I didn't care But now you can tell I'm a bit of a dog, in fact I'm a devil-may-care. They told me to lead a gay life, a life that was dashing and free So I made me mind up to do something rash, to show what a nut I could be. So I parted my hair in the middle, in the middle, in the middle. Now when I leave my hotel everyone follows me, dogs as well. If I give a girl the glad eye, I smile and I say "Twiddle, twiddle" And I've smoked some brown paper without being ill since I parted my hair in the middle. Patter One night with a girl you'll agree, I had an appointment and so And as I'm just a little bit spoony, on airing my best Sunday clothes I did go. I got her a nice bunch of flowers, from a dustbin just up the back street Then as I stood in front of the looking-glass there To make my appearance complete. I parted my hair in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, Then I noticed our tom cat was washing his face on the front door mat He carefully curved his moustache, then at me his left eye he did twiddle Then I knew that he'd got an appointment as well 'Cause he's parted his hair in the middle. Back To Top Of Page I PLAYED ON MY SPANISH GUITAR I'm Bull Tonsilliter, the finest bullfighter that ever came out of Madrid. With bulls I can juggle, though madly they struggle, they can't get away from this kid There's nobody else could be keener, it's a treat to watch me fight the bull. I chase them all round the arena and make nasty scars on their skull. Then I play on my Spanish guitar, tralla, la, la, la, la, la, 1a, la. It must be a good ‘un, it isn't a dud ‘un, I bought it at Woolworth's bazaar, ha,ha. The president's wife is the curse of his life, She loves drinking wine 'til she's full. One night she got canned and fell out o' grandstand Right onto a nasty big bull. Then over it's head the bull tossed her, I laughted and began to recite "There was a young lady from Gloucester." And the bullocks all roared with delight. Then I played on my Spanish guitar, Now I'm sure that old dame's got a scar. The bull caught her bending, it's really heart rending She's got to stand up in the car, ha, ha. I've had lots of fights and I've had a few frights, There was once when the bull got me down. He jumped on my corns and stuck both of his horns In my shanty in old shanty town. His eyes they were staring and glassy, I could feel his hot breath in my ear. So I stabbed him three times in the chassis And wished him a happy new year. Then I played on my Spanish guitar While the people all shouted "hurrah". That bull got a shock, so he turned into Oxo, You'll find him on sale in the bar, ha, ha. I've left old Madrid, it's a good job I did I'd get shot if I went there again. They gave me the sack but I got my own back They'll be sorry they chased me from Spain. I'll bet that old town is excited, In the bull ring there'll be lots of rows. But the animals, they'll be delighted 'cos I've mixed all the bulls with the cows. So I play on my Spanish guitar, If I practise I'll soon be a star. But don't tell a soul, 'cos I'm going on the dole 'till I've mastered this lousy guitar, ha, ha. Back To Top Of Page I TOLD MY BABY WITH THE UKULELE Now I had a sweetie once upon a time, well she was my ideal, And when she was near I used to feel, well you know how you feel. But I was shy and couldn’t tell my love, when I did my knees all shook, So I thought I would say it with music and I bought myself a uke. I learnt this sloppy tune,then one night underneath the Wigan moon. I told my baby with the ukulele, I sung a song of Araby, I told my baby with the ukulele, but she only laughed at me. I played it soft and sad, she didn’t care a bit, And then I got so mad I swore I’d make a hit. So I told my baby with the ukulele, I bashed her with it over the head, But oh! She was a pal, I only wish you could have seen that gal. Her hair was brunette type, It had pretty wrinkles like you see in tripe. She’s going to have it bobbed this Spring, Now where will the sparrows nest, poor things. Her face, it is so bright, you can’t see a blemish on a foggy night, And when she smiles on her own accord Her face lights up because she’s lantern jawed. Her teeth they are devine, all the colours in the rainbow there you’ll find, Black, blue, green and red you bet, She only wants a white one for a snooker set. Her neck, I loved it so, I brought her a present about a week ago, Two little gifts she’ll use I hope, I bought her a sponge and a bar of soap. When I went to meet my little maid, let her hear the sernade I played I told my baby with the ukulele, I sung a song of Araby, I told my baby with the ukulele, but she only laughed at me. I played it soft and sad, she didn’t care a bit, And then I got so mad I swore I’d make a hit. So I told my baby with the ukulele, I bashed her with it over the head, But oh! She was a pal, I only wish you could have seen that gal. Back To Top Of Page I WAS ALWAYS A WILLING YOUNG LAD I'm John William Billy, and folks state to me That I'm a most willing young man they agree They've nick-named me "Willing John Willie, the sport", Though all my pals called me "Dogs Body" for short I met a young French female girl yesterday She smiled, I smiled back and said "It's been a nice day." I was always a willing young lad, and she looked very Frenchie and bad She called me "Monsieur" (mon-sewer) as I went passing by Said, "Lala, you compre me", then winked her eye. I said, "I don't know what it means, but I'll try" I was always a willing young lad. Patter The burglars broke into our house t'other night The wife said "Go down!" I said, "No, it's not right. You know what I am, so hot-headed and strong, I might kill 'em all then I'll go and get hung." She said, "Go and see, perhaps it's only the cat". I got up and said, "Well, we'll soon settle that". I was always a willing young lad, they were burglars ee, I was mad He stood seven foot from his feet to his lid He picked up a jemmy and said, "Look here kid, You hop it before you get hurt", so I did. I was always a willing young lad. Back To Top Of Page I WAS CHRISTENED WITH A HORSESHOE Why do lots of people grumble and wish they had a million Dream all day of castles in the air. Now you will never hear me grumble, I've never craved a million The little I've got is a great big lot, I haven't a care I was christened with a horseshoe, there's a rainbow everywhere I go Though I haven't got a lot to show, Lady Luck's a friend of mine I was christened with a horseshoe and I'm looking on the sunny side. ‘Cause the sunny is the funny side, everything is going fine Now I'm walking down on easy street, 'Cause I've found there's someone very sweet There's a flat to let on Easy Street And I've got a feeling she's gonna be there with me I was christened with a horseshoe, I can laugh at any cloudy sky ‘Cause I only see the clouds roll by, Lady luck's a friend of mine. I was christened with a horseshoe, and I've even got the lump to show And I take it everywhere I go - all the world's a friend of mine. I was christened with a horseshoe, to the jockeys I'm the perfect host. Every horse I back is past the post, Lady Luck's a friend of mine. I'd a lovely bit of luck today, and a lot of money came my way, So I'm gonna paint the whole town gay, and a certain little she's gonna be there with me. I was christened with a horseshoe, can you wonder why I don't go wrong Why my life is such a happy song, Lady Luck's a friend of mine. Back To Top Of Page I WENT ALL HOT AND COLD Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold. Now have you ever noticed folks the shivers that you get Some of then make you feel cold then break out in a sweat. They usually occur when you have had a shock or fright Now I get them quite regular, here's one I had last night Ee, I went all hot and cold I did, I went all hot and cold I met a girl who looked as though she'd just strayed from the fold I said you must come home with me and shelter from the cold She said all right. I'll stay the night Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold Now I went to a party once a few miles out of town And when the time for home came well the rain came pouring down The hostess said "Sleep on the couch", well I felt such a clown She said "If you're not warm enough, I'll bring you a bottle down. Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold But just like some big schoolboy I did just as I was told I drank that bottle of whisky that she said was ten years old Then I saw blue pigs and pink earwigs, And I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold. Now I went for my holidays down by the deep blue sea The job I had to get some digs, it really puzzled me Still after many hours a lady came to me and said "There's room up in my attic", but I hadn't been long in bed. Before I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold 'Cause lying next to me there was a figure grey and cold I shouted for the lady and she came up brave and bold She said that's all right, he only died last night. Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold. Back To Top Of Page I WISH I WAS BACK ON THE FARM Oh I wish I was back on the farm, I wish I was back on the farm. If you want to learn your lesson just you hear what I’m confessin, Oh I wish I was back on the farm. Now when I was just a hayseed with a straw stuck in my mouth I packed my bag and took a train that was headin' for the south. I wandered through the city streets and everything was new But all the coppers moved me on and the girls they moved me too. Now I wish I was back on the farm, I wish I was back on the farm. Where the bulls don't put it over and the cows stop in the clover, I wish I was back on the farm. Now a pretty girl came up to me and she began to chat, She said she'd give me something nice if I'd go up to her flat, I said I'd like a cup of tea, she seemed to think it odd And when I said it's time to go she charged me thirty bob. Oh I wish I was back on the farm, yes I wish I was down on the farm. Where there's fun and plenty of it and it isn't done for profit, Oh I wish I was back on the farm. Now I went into a nightclub where a lady did a dance, .She'd nothing on but pigeons and she left the rest to chance, She didn't seem to feel the cold, the birds knew where to stay, I clapped my hands and shouted but they wouldn't go away, Oh I wish she was back on our farm, yes I wish she was back on our farm She'd have nothing on whatever 'cos our pigeons aren't that clever, Oh I wish she was back on our farm. Back To Top Of Page I WONDER WHO'S UNDER HER BALCONY NOW Things have gone wrong, with my love song I'm not serenading tonight. In my place there's somebody new, doing the things that I ought to do. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl Will he kiss her under the nose, Or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows If he's fresh and gets too free, I hope a bulldog bites him in the place it bit me. I wonder who s under her balcony now, who s kissing my girl. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Will he kiss her under the nose, or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows. I will bet ten to one, there's not a thing that he can do that I haven't done. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Will he kiss her under the nose or underneath the porch way where the Sweet William grows. May he fall, feel a wreck, and stagger home with half the trellis work round his neck. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Will he kiss her under the nose, or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows. I hope he, catches the lot, when she empties out her old geranium pot . I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Back To Top Of Page I'D DO IT WITH A SMILE When I used to find troubles come my way I always wished they wouldn't stay But I'm not so sure since you came along Whether I was right or wrong. If you ask me would I entertain the lions at the zoo By singing in beside them just before their lunch was due Would I do it? I'd do more, I’d do it with a smile. If you ask me would I take a trip to Paris in the spring And see the girls and watch the thrills and never do a thing Would I do it? I'd do more, I’d do it with a smile. I'm not a super sort of man, there isn't much that I can do but sing Yet if you watch me at a fight, I could knock Joe Louis out the ring If you ask me to be hypnotised and go into a trance Or even pay my income tax for ten years in advance. Would I do it? I'd do more, I’d do it with a smile. When we're all alone, no-one near to see Foolish thoughts occur to me. Maybe you can guess what they're all about So I'll let the secret out. If you ask me would I settle down and build a little home, Carve the ham and push the pram. and never never roam. Would I do it? I'd do more, I'd do it with a smile. If you ask me could your mother stay and all your maiden aunts Or suggest I take my trousers off so you could wear the pants. Would I do it? I'd do more, I'd do it with a smile. I don't know much about romance, That is something I've been frightened of, Yet someone taught me how to dance So maybe you can teach me how to love. If you ask me would I sew for you or knit some baby clothes Or take the baby's nappy off and wipe his little nose. Would I do it? I'd do more, I'd do it with a smile. Back To Top Of Page I’D LIKE A DREAM LIKE THAT I’ve always had ambitions to go upon the stage, Last night I went to bed and dreamt that I was all the rage. I felt a thrill, I dreamt I topped the bill And a big revue part I could take. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I’d like a dream like that when I'm awake. I danced with girls dressed up in strings of pearls And all the strings started to break. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I’d like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel, delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. One girl in fact she did a striptease act And a liberty she tried to take But Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I’d like a dream like that when I'm awake. Godiva's ghost I saw at my bedpost, and she gave my shoulders a shake. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's Peeping Tom she said I'm hiding from. So room for me you'd better make. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel, delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. My bare back ride gave me the cramp she cried. But I bet you can guess where I ache. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. Alternative couplets In a bedroom scene with England's Virgin queen I took the part of a feller called Drake. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. A voice so clear it shouted "drakey dear History we're going to make Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. Said good queen Liz. how bitter cold it is, But what a hot water bottle you'll make, Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. Back To Top Of Page IF I HAD A GIRL LIKE YOU If I wasn't me but a different sort of chap, what a romeo I'd be. I'd be able to see, it's an awful handicap when a guy’s as shy as me. What happiness might come my way, if I could just speak up and say I'll bet I could work wonders, seems too good to be true, I could be a b. marvel if I had a girl like you. Single handed I'd rescue ship and captain and crew, I'd be number one hero if I had a girl like you I’d spend my leisure finding hidden treasure, No-one could measure the things that I do In the stormiest weather I could eat a pie stew, I'd become a real sailor if I had a girl like you I could do without moonlight and give the stars a rest too, I'd be warm in a snowstorm if I had a girl like you. All the radio programmes would be strictly taboo, They could keep their old brainstrust if I had a girl like you. I'd never long for meals, they ring a gong for, The shows they throng for I never would view, I'm telling you I'd have pennies from heaven, I could live in a shoe, They could take my clothes coupons if I had a girl like you Back To Top Of Page IF YOU DON'T WANT THE GOODS DON'T MAUL 'EM Now here s a little motto song I'd like to sing to you, Some of them are very old and some of them are new. But here’s one in particular it's funny in it's way, I wonder what we'd think if we heard our ancestors say. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. Are you going to marry my daughter sir? Said Pa to Johnny Doleham John said no so Pa said go, if you don't want the goods, don't maul ' em. Now we all learned our history when we were kids at school, We went there almost every day to learn the golden rules. King Solomon was a gay old boy, he was a lively spark And this is what you might have heard while listening in the dark. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. King Solomon had six hundred wives and he always used to call 'em, Till one of them turned to him, and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em. Now Smith went to a doctor once who lived in Harley street He said my man those gallstones they will drag you off your feet, Just come inside my hospital at once without delay. He did and when they chloriformed him he was heard to say. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. They were just about to operate on his appendix, what do you call 'em, When he popped up his head and to the doctor said if you don't want the goods don't maul ' em. Now once I took my holidays and went across to France, . I hadn't been there since the war so thought I'd take a chance. I strolled along a street there that they call the Bous Boulogne , And when a French girl spoke to me I shouted out this song. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. Now while I was in Paris I stayed in a what do you call 'em, There were notices on every wall, if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em Napoleon said I love my troops and whatever may befall 'em When Josephine stood up and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em. Back To Top Of Page I'M A FROGGIE Through saving up the coupons in Day and Martin's tea I won a weekend ticket to gay Paree. My clothes will tell you I am a continental swell. I'm so French now that I no speak the English very well The young French women, ee they're fast, on Monday one sweet pet She smiled and asked me if I'd like to see her maisonette. I wired back home for fourpence more, but mother wouldn't part So I was whacked or as we French say in the a-la-carte. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Frenchie dirty doggy. I speak the French tongue most fluidly, they all know me when I say "wee wee" I'm a maisong, I'm a tres bong; thats a can can I’m not sure. The shirt that I’m now wearing is pomme de tearing I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Lancashire main sewer (monsieur). The Frenchie girls all call me a chick I don't know why, Unless it's my fine feathers that caught their eye. I smiled once at a French girl, she smiled back at me too, But her old man to make things worse had fought at Waterloo. He said we'd have to fight a duel and I turned white as chalk. He gave me choice of weapons so I chose a knife and fork. And as I turned to run away, the coward stabbed me hard. Then picked his missus up and smacked her on the boulevard. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Frenchie dirty doggy. Our knocker-up calls me her "apache", she gets very rash, swings on my tash. I'm a flirter, bit of skirter, ruined homes lie at my door. The girls call me deceiver, the kids call "viveur" (rake - fast liver). I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Lancashire main sewer. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Frenchie dirty doggy. The girls say when my hat I raise, what polished ways, so mayonnaise. Women chase me and embrace me and I blame my "rougette noix" (red nut). They say I make 'em goosey, their eyes go juicy. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Lancashire main sewer. Back To Top Of Page I'M AS HAPPY AS A SANDBOY Away with depression, away with all care I've got the impression I'm walking on air. The outlook is splendid, that's just how I feel My troubles are ended, I've found my ideal. 'Cause I'm as happy as a sandboy, with a castle made of sand I'm as happy as a sandboy, made the leader of the band I can always see the rainbow, when I look into her eyes. I can always see the rainbow as the sun sinks in the skies. Tra la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. That is what I feel I want to say. For today I found my lucky star With a hip, hip, hip hooray. I'm as happy as a sandboy, I'm beside myself with glee. I'm the happiest man in the world, cause she said yes to me. I'm as happy as a sandboy, with a castle made of sand. I'm as happy as a sandboy, made the leader of the band. I can always see the rainbow, when I look into her eyes I can always see the rainbow as the sun sinks in the skies. Wedding bells are going to ring for me Furthermore I solemnly declare We will have a lovely family tree, with grand kids everywhere. Oh I'm as Happy as a Sandboy, I'm beside myself with glee I'm the happiest man in the world, 'cause she said yes to me. Back To Top Of Page I’M MAKING HEADWAY NOW Hello old pal I’m glad we’ve met I’ve grown quite fond of you. You’re quiet as a lamb but don’t forget we’ll show them what to do. One another we’ll stand by, to prove my words I mean to try You’ve got a kick and so have I, I’m making headway now. Of wheat and chaff we’ve ample stores, I know I’ll never starve because When I’ve eaten mine I’ll start on yours, I’m making headway now. I’ve got my ambition, I’ll be the talk of the town. I’ll hold my position, you can’t keep a growing lad down. I joined a gym for exercise, the lady instructor put me wise She made my spare parts twice the size, I’m making headway now. I’ve got a job and I mean to score, for me there’s something good in store I won’t clean windows anymore, I’m making headway now. I take a horsebox to the course, that takes quite a lot of force I must be strong to box a horse, I’m making headway now I’ve got my ambition, I’ll be the talk of the town. I’ll hold my position, you can’t keep a growing lad down. Once I phoned the railway folk, "give me the goods" a lady spoke She said, "I’m the goods" I said "That’s oke" I’m making headway now I mean to join the ARP the fire brigade and the CID I might even join the BBC I’m making headway now A heavyweight I had to fight I said, "In my left there’s dynamite And a couple of horseshoes in my right" I’m making headway now I’ve got my ambition, I’ll be the talk of the town. I’ll hold my position, you can’t keep a growing lad down. Said the girl "If your wife I should be of children I’d like two or three" I said "You can leave all that to me" I’m making headway now Back To Top Of Page I'M SAVING UP FOR SALLY I may be rather careful, a little slow to spend, Don't often push the boat out and I haven't cash to lend. It's not that I'm a meanie or spending comes amiss, I'll tell you confidentially folks the reason for it is. I'm saving up for Sally, I'm saving for a rainy day. I save what I can spare, a penny here and there And just to keep us off the rocks I pop it in my money box. Oh! I'm not the lad to dally, of Sally I'm as proud as I can be. It's a lovely thing to be her beau but all the same I'd like to know If Sally's saving up a bit for me. I haven't popped the question or asked her to be mine But Sally's such a darling I'll have to draw the line It may be any minute, I hope she'll say I will But till I've plucked my courage up I'll keep on saving still 'Cause I'm saving up for Sally, I'm saving for a honeymoon. I've got to buy a ring, a mattress with a spring There's one thing that I have to get, a nice new shiny bassinette. Oh! I'm not the lad to dally, of Sally I'm as proud as I can be. But before I go to that expense I'd like to know in self defence If Sally's saving up a bit for me. I'm not the lad to dally, of Sally I'm as proud as I can be. It's a lovely thing to be her beau but all the same I'd like to know If Sally's saving up a bit for me. Back To Top Of Page I'M SHY I’m just dumb, the words won’t come, my tongue I cannot find, I feel so scared, I’ve never dared, to say what’s on my mind. Why can’t I, tell you the way I feel, let loose my sex appeal Why? Because I’m shy. Why can’t I, make love like other guys, flash with my wicked eyes, Why? Because I’m shy Oh what a sin if I never win my ideal, You’ll never guess and I can’t express how I feel, terribly bashful Why can’t I? Do what a lover should, start while the goings good, Why? Because I’m shy. Why can’t I, kiss girls and run away, make love another day Why? Because I’m shy. Why can’t I, go after big romance kiss girls and take a chance Why? Because I’m shy. Oh what a sin if I never win my ideal, You’ll never guess and I can’t express how I feel, terribly bashful Why can’t I, set flappers hearts afire, fill ‘em with mad desire, Why? Because I’m shy. Extra couplet Why can’t I, sunbathe without my clothes, Show off these and those, Why? Because I’m shy. Back To Top Of Page I’M THE HUSBAND OF THE WIFE OF MR WU Famous men they come and go, where they go to I don’t know All I know it's clear, I'm still here. I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. Our honeymoon in china was a do, we visited pagodas, quite a few. Said a geisha, "you look sporty", but I said "I daren't be naughty, I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. Said a geisha serving tea, "me likey you". A tasty dish she brought and made love too, Then I said, "you'd better stop quick, you can't meddle with my chopstick I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. In the market square of things I bought a few They tried to sell me silk pyjamas too. I said, "though I might admire 'em,I don't think I shall require 'em, I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. Then a girl said, "I intend to marry you, Of little chinks we'll soon have twenty two I said, "that's a proposition, but I'm no Chinese magician I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." Back To Top Of Page IMAGINE ME ON THE MAGINOT LINE You should see me out in France wearing my tin hat. Midst shot and shell it's worse than..! Well it's even worse than that. Now imagine me on the Maginot Line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line. Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. French girls make a fuss of me, I'm not French as you can see But I know what they mean when they say Oui Oui, down on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. The enemy we had to chase, but my gun got out of place. I went and shot the colonel in the base, down on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line. Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. At night myself to sleep I sing, to my old tin hat I cling. I have to use it for everything, down on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine Suddenly a pain I felt. A doctor on my tummy knelt. He slapped a poultice underneath my belt, right on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. Hitler can't kid us a lot. His secret weapon's 'tommyrot" You ought to see what the sergeant's got, down on the Maginot line, down on the Maginot line. Back To Top Of Page IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GREAT DEAL WORSE Now I've knocked about, my lucks been out but things don't worry me. Though kicks I've had they're not so bad as what they seem to be. I've been in jams and what is more, I boxed with one chap twelve stone four He broke my ribs and smashed my jaw, but it might have been a great deal worse. Brown went home and caught young Blair cuddling his wife in a chair. Had it been last week he'd have caught me there, so it might have been a great deal worse Everything happens for the best, take it from me. Never turn back if things look black 'cause they're not as bad as they seem to be While bathing, Miss Jones, plump and stout ripped her dress and gave a shout. But the tide was late in going out, so it might have been a great deal worse. In the park while going strong, my girl said, " Now you know that's wrong." If a copper hadn't come along it might have been a great deal worse Mary Sheefsby went astray, with a shepherd she went gay. But she only lost her sheep that day, so it might have been a great deal worse. Everything happens for the best, take it from me. Never turn back if things look black 'cause they're not as bad as they seem to be. I got shipwrecked with a girl named Lou, I said, "Cheer up things aren't so blue, If I'd have got the mate instead of you, it might have been a great deal worse." I motorcycled with Miss Blake, violent looks she began to make But I kept my hand upon my brake or it might have been a great deal worse. I'm not well built, my chest is weak, I haven't got a fine physique, But I think I've got what most girls seek, so it might have been a great deal worse. Everything happens for the best, take it from me. Never turn back if things look black 'cause they're not as bad as they seem to be. Some figures we watched in the sky, I shouted as I closed one eye, It's a good job elephants don't fly, or it might have been a great deal worse. Back To Top Of Page IN A LITTLE WIGAN GARDEN Talk of your beautiful meadows and fields and your parks so grand Talk of your wonderful gardens down at Kew. I know a spot that can beat all the lot it’s the best I’ve seen Keep all your hills and dales, put me with the slugs and snails. In a little Wigan garden, where the dandelions grow With my sweetie frowsy Flo round the mulberry bush we go Underneath the Wigan Palm trees there I bring her up to scratch We have such a game on the cucumber frame; I’d show her the cabbage patch When the morning mildew christens our shallots, Scented breezes coming from the chimney pots In a little Wigan Garden, when the soot is falling down Oh what a place, what a case, a disgrace to my hometown. All sorts of things come with wings some with stings every night appear Glow worms and silkworms and Wigan earwigs too. Crocuses croak with the fog and the smoke from the gasworks near The one thing that only grows, is the wart on my sweeties nose In a little Wigan garden with my little Wiganese Getting stung with bumble bees, between the cabbages and peas ‘Neath the Wigan water lilies where the drainpipe overflows There’s my girl and me she sits on my knee And watch how the rhubarb grows ‘Neath the shady tree to my loved one I cling While the birds above do everything but sing It’s a rotten Wigan garden, everything grows upside down Oh what a place what a case, a disgrace to my hometown. Back To Top Of Page IN MY LITTLE SNAPSHOT ALBUM Now I’m a young inventor, a chap with good ideas, I’ve built myself a camera, it took me years and years. It’s a wonderful invention with special x-ray tricks, It can take a picture in the dark and can even see through bricks. I bought myself an album and filled it up with snaps, And I’ve got some lovely pictures of the local girls and chaps. Now I’ve got a picture of the girl next door, in my little snapshot album, And I’ve never had a better snap before, in my little snapshot album. The night was dark and the hour was late, She was kissing her boy by the garden gate, Wouldn’t she love to see page eight, in my little snapshot album. And I’ve got a picture of my old granddad, in my little snapshot album. He’s over eighty but a real bad lad, in my little snapshot album Although he’s an old antique, He thinks he’s still the village sheik, I’ve got him dancing cheek to cheek in my little snapshot album. Now I’ve got a picture of the vicar’s wife, in my little snapshot album. Chasing the Curate with a carving knife in my little snapshot album. Now what he did was all in fun But it’s not the kind of thing that’s done, I can see he pinched her hot-cross bun, in my little snapshot album. And I’ve got a picture of a nudist camp, in my little snapshot album, All very jolly but a trifle damp, in my little snapshot album. There’s Uncle Dick without a care, discarding all his underwear, But his watch and chain still dangle there, in my little snapshot album. Back To Top Of Page IN THE CONGO Southern Skies, sapphire seas, crocodiles, chimpanzees, Cocoa palms, rubber trees, that’s the Congo. Where the blazing tropic sun, bakes you like a hot cross bun, Where mosquitoes make you run, that’s the Congo. It’s grand getting tanned when you loll upon the sand in the Congo, in the Congo. All that you wear is a little here and there in the Congo, in the Congo. You take a hut up in the tree, then you’re in high society And all the lovely scenery, You get a view of the swamp where the alligators romp. Warm summer nights when they light the harbour lights in the Congo, in the Congo. Gay Congorites flock around to see the sights, twenty cocoa beans they pay, To see Miss Wongo wag her little bongo, sing a little Congo-lay, Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! In the Congo cabaret. It’s grand getting canned when you loll upon the sand, In Wigan’s Congo, in Wigan’s Congo. You don’t wear any togs you only wear a pair of clogs, In Wigan’s Congo, in Wigan’s Congo. You take a hut upon the pier, where they supply you with free beer, The colliers shout "By gum hear, hear" You get a view of the tripe as it’s getting nice and ripe. Warm summer nights when they light the harbour lights In Wigan’s Congo, in Wigan’s Congo. Gay Wiganites flock around to see the sites, twenty cowheels each they pay. To see fat Mrs. Marston do the Wigan Charleston, I’m sure she’s going to bust one day. Eee! Eee! Eee! By gum! In Wigan’s Congo cabaret Eee! Eee! Eee! By gum! In Wigan’s Congo cabaret Back To Top Of Page IT COULD BE Love's a most peculiar thing for an ordinary fellow like it me, It can me you feel sad, make you feel glad, There's nothing an impossibility Now, you've heard of the prince of sweet Cinderella, She was his girlfriend and he was her fella' They looked on the moon when the old moon was yella', Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be. Browning made love to Elizabeth Barrett, There's love in a mansion yes and there's love in a garret You tie the thing up with the old eighteen caret, Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be. I’ll never believe you're as good as you look There's seldom a rose without thorns You're all that I need you can learn how to cook So let's take the bull by the horns Darby and Joan had no troubles whatever They knew all the tricks about living together, So happy, contented for ever and ever, Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be Calmly the bride down the aisle is seen treading, The bridegroom is nervous and seceretly dreading The music that Mendelssohn wrote for a wedding, Could be you, could be me, could be we it could be. Words of encouragement from the old pater Who wants to be sure that not very later There'll be a demand for a smart perambulator, Could be you, could be me, could be we it could be. I'll never rush back from work at the end of the day Contented to be where you are, I'll never go out when you ask me to stay I won't join the boys in the bar. Now let's be as one let's enjoy every minute, Happiness awaits round the corner let's win it, So lets not waste time let's begin to begin it Could be you, could be me, could be we it could be. Back To Top Of Page IT SERVES YOU RIGHT Ever since the days of old the Navy's ruled the waves. For years they've told the world that Britain's never shall be slaves. The Navy still remembers and you'll often hear them say What Nelson told Napoleon upon Trafalgar day. It serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves you right. It serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, you might have been sitting tight You might have been in Civvy Street instead of in the fight But it serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves you right And it's no use kicking up a row because your nobody's sweetheart now. You can weep and sigh and pipe your eye but still you’re in the fight It serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves you right. I wouldn't mind the Navy if the blinking ship were still It's all this bobbing up and down that makes me feel so ill. The seas alright for sharks and whales and things the like of that But I'd rather stick my Marlin's Pike in llkley Moor ba'tat But It serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves me right It serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, I might have been sitting tight. When I was cleaning windows I would keep ‘em nice and bright But now I'm polishing portholes, rubbing them up with all me might. And it's no use kicking up a row because I'm nobody's sweetheart now. One day up in the crow’s nest I was feeling bright and gay 'Til the captain shouted’ Don’t come down, we've taken the ship away'. I used to be a chimney sweep in dear old Wigan town. I used to do the lady's down the street for half a crown But now I don't get nothing for the little jobs I do. I wish I was in Wigan sweeping Mrs. Jones's flue. But it serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves me right It serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, I might have been sitting tight. I thought in every port I'd get a cuddle every night But all I've done is cuddle a gun and work up an appetite. And it's no use kicking up a row because I'm nobody's sweetheart now. There's a draught around my fore and aft my jumper's much too tight I've got barnacles on my binnacle and it ruddy well serves me right. Back To Top Of Page IT'S IN THE AIR Is there anybody near us? (No) Well can anybody hear us? (No) For I've got something important to say Skid-a-way, skid-ah, skidoo, tripe and trotters and cowheel stew Do I seem a little loony? (Well) Well I am a little loony (you said it) For I've not been feeling myself all day. It’s.... in.... the.... air ... this funny feeling everywhere That makes me sing without a care today As I go on my way it's in the air. It's.... in.... the.... air.... there's great excitement here and there The sun is shining everywhere and spring Makes everybody sing, it's in the air. Zoom zoom zoom zoom high and low. Zoom zoom zoom zoom here we go. It's.... in.... the.... air... .I feel so smart and debonair And I must warn each lady fair beware Look out and have a care, it's in the air It's.... in.... the.... air ... .I feel so smart and debonair And I must warn each lady fair, beware Look out and have a care, it's in the air. It's.... in.... the.... air... .I feel so smart and debonair And I must warn each lady fair beware Look out and have a care, it's in the air. Back To Top Of Page IT’S NO USE LOOKING AT ME Last Sunday I strolled into church the first time for years A christening they had, a fine baby lad The parson said, "Now who’s the pa of this bouncing boy" He looked at me, I grabbed my hat and said, "I don’t do things like that" It’s no use looking at me, no use looking at me He said I really thought a likeness I could see I blushed red all around my ears and said "My word what strange ideas" Why I’ve been to sea for the last three years So it’s no use looking at me. It’s no use looking at me In the courts a murder case I heard being tried "The murderer" said they "is at large today" But no doubt they'll trace him by the scar on his face The judge then glared all round the dock He caught my eye, I said "Old cock" It’s no use looking at me, no use looking at me He said, "I thought a scar on your face I could see" I said, "You’re rather out of place I’ve got a scar but in my case It’s a darned long way off from my face So it’s on use looking at me. No it ‘s looking at me." At acting once I tried my hand they said I’d be good Arrangements were made and Hamlet I played I got rather muddled when I dressed for the part The audience were full of grins. I shouted out "Odds Bodderkins" It’s no use looking at me, no use looking at me I was feeling a draught around my anatomy I must have looked the sight of sights I shouted "Ee turn out the lights" Cause I’ve only got one leg in my tights So it’s no use looking at me. No, no it’s no use looking at me. Back To Top Of Page IT'S TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN Springtime, Summer, Autumn, Winter, so the seasons go. Sometimes we get them all at once with a little rain or snow. The sun for long it doesn't shine, it's either wet or else it's fine. Last night I said when I went to bed , its turned out nice again. In this hotel, I’ll sleep well, its turned out nice again. A sweet young bride then popped inside, turned down the counterpane She shouted "oo" I said "Peek boo", it's turned out nice again" .Said Mrs. Rouse at Seaview House, its turned out nice again. The joint is through but as a stew it's turned out nice again. A fork she stuck into the duck, it seemed to be in pain I said here goes for the parson’s nose, it's turned out nice again When you call upon your girl you start to be polite. Though it's raining cats and dogs you say "It's a lovely night tonight". With her you start to bill and coo, the glass is falling, and she is too. Last washing day I heard 'em say "It's turned out nice again" For the bits of hose and these and those, it's turned out nice again. To Mrs. James 'or wots 'er names I said "You can't complain It's the same pair dear that you wore last year, they've turned out nice again". Said Doctor Wright to me last night, "It's turned out nice again It's plain to tell the wife's doing well, it's turned out nice again. I said to the nurse "Tell me the worst", she said "You will feel vain. This time it's quads" I said "Ye Gods, it's turned out nice again." Back To Top Of Page
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 I ALWAYS GET TO BED BY HALF PAST NINE Long hours don't appeal to me, up late I never sit. Early to bed, I've always said, keeps us young men fit! One evening while in gay Paree, a nice young lady said "wee wee" I said such things aren't good for me I always get to bed by half past nine. An air raid warden shouted "men, expect a raid at half past ten." I said "No use, it's too late then, I always get to bed by half past nine." I never wander around after dark, I pop my nose under the clothes, And I'm up with the lark. Opposite, a girl so slick by candle light undresses quick, Nine thirty five she snuffs her wick, so I always get to bed by half past nine. I curl my knees up to my chin when into bed I fall All through the night I'm tucked up tight, with my face turned to the wall. Our little hens were making free, the rooster said don't flirt with me. I'm not so young as I used to be, I always get to bed by half past nine. A bookie bolted sad to tell, the punters all began to yell He shouted as he ran like - well! I always get to bed by half past nine. I never wander around after dark, I pop my nose under the clothes, And I'm up with the lark. A sultan said, you look hot stuff, my hundred wives I use no bluff. I said for me one's quite enough, I always get to bed by half past nine. I heard our old tom cat shout, Maria are you coming out? But Maria knows what she's about, cause she always gets to bed by half past nine. A nudist said "of clothes I've none, Still I won't be sat upon It's time I put my nightie on, I always get to bed by half past nine. I never wander around after dark, I pop my nose under the clothes, And I'm up with the lark. My family's too large for our flat, I've got fourteen kids - my hat. But I'm really not surprised at that, I always get to bed by half past nine. Back To Top Of Page I BLEW A LITTLE BLAST ON MY WHISTLE. Now when I was a boy, my mother's pride and joy She gave me a whistle this is it And no matter where I go, band of hope or picture show My little whistle always makes a hit. It's been a pal to me it's as easy as can be And to blow it doesn't use up any gristle, A lady came to tea, and when she smiled at Well I blew a little blast on my whistle. I've been to London too, Leicester Square and to the zoo, In the tube and even down the Strand, But no matter where I went I had no accident I always had my whistle in my hand. But once near Waterloo a near squeak it's true I trembled and my hair it seemed to bristle, A lady smiled and stopped and then she nearly dropped When I blew a little blast on my whistle. When in a country lane, while sheltering from the rain, I soon found out that I was not alone, I heard a sound like this (kiss), it must have been a kiss, Two lovers thinking they were on their own. They carried on disgraceful, I went all goosey like, But when the lady shouted "stop it Cecil!" I took it for a hint, and I had a little squint And I couldn't blow a blast on my whistle. Ah well, I'm married now, and I really don't know how, To tell you of the news that came today, I've a little son and heir, yes one, no not a pair, No wonder that I'm feeling bright and gay, I'm feeling very proud, but I mustn't talk so loud, I've been celebrating at the Rose and Thistle, He's a lovely little kid, and the first thing that he did Was to blow a little blast on his whistle. Back To Top Of Page I CAN TELL IT BY MY HOROSCOPE I can read the future and tell if fate's unkind. The stars I've read I'll look ahead and this is what I find Snowstorms and hails, blizzards and gales, through fog away we grope But next July its going to be dry I can tell it by my horoscope Climbing last week a big mountain peak, I slipped down the rocky slope I cried as I fell "I'm on my way to bed, I can tell it by my horoscope". There's lucky colours, lucky stones, lucky numbers too. Lucky eight as sure as fate will always pull me through. My cousin Kate is putting on weight, I said "Your beyond all hope" Nature's unkind, your future’s all behind, I can tell it by your horoscope. Said Grandpa so gay, mixed bathing one day "With Flappers I still can cope" I'm older in years but I've got some young ideas, I can tell it by my horoscope My cousin Joe pulled a wishbone with Flo and said, "For the best let's hope" Then he whispered, "Ooh! My wish is coming true, I can tell it by my horoscope". There's lucky colours, lucky stones, lucky numbers too. Lucky eight as sure as fate will always pull me through. I’ve studied stars, Venus and Mars, for Venus there isn't much hope. She's all wrapped in gauze with a pair of flannel socks I can tell it by your horoscope Back To Top Of Page I COULD MAKE A GOOD LIVING AT THAT I just can't remember the last time I worked I could blush with repentance and shame. When I think of the years that I've spent on the dole well I can't bear the sound of my name. But I'm going to reform and I'm looking around for a job that I think I can do. I'll just work like a horse and have no more remorse. There'll be no need for me to feel blue. Because I went to the races not long ago, and watched every jockey that won. He just sat on his horse while it covered the course and he got fifty quid when he'd done. Now if I understood horses and knew how to ride and worked off a bit of my fat. If I was head stableman to the great Aga Khan I could make a good living, Make a good living, make a good living at that. Some cricketers came from Australia last year, And the newspapers made such a fuss. I don't know what the row was about but it seems That they'd taken some cinders from us. There was one in particular, Don was his name He's the youngest one that gets my goat. For a millionaire chap liked his playing so much That he sent him a thousand pound note. Just imagine a lad picking money up so Just because he belonged to a club I could almost repent at the long years I've spent Playing dominoes down at the pub. Now if I understood cricket and what it's about And knew how to handle a bat If I could beat Bradman's score of three hundred and four I could make a good living, make a good living, make a good living at that. And if I went into Parliament that would be fine, I'd have such a lot to discuss. I would have some debates on the taxes and rates I'd duly create lots of fuss, And I wouldn't sit there and say nothing like some I would always be wearing my hat And if they made me Premier at ten thousand a year I could make a good living, make a good living, make a good living at that. Back To Top Of Page I COULDN'T LET THE STABLE DOWN I'm faithful to my comrades, my motto’s loyalty, I run straight with my stable mates and they run straight with me. Come on George you'll hear them roar, ten to one I'll start for sure, I'll pass the post by half past four, I couldn't let the stable down. To race in France I'll begin, quest que ce tres bon chin chin, I learnt that off a sardine tin, I couldn't let the stable down. We’ve got pride put on side, ride the high horse too, If we're late at the starting gate the horse will pull us through. Cast off clothes I used to sell, in riding breeches I look swell A girl said "cast off those as well," I couldn't let the stable down. Near the town hall yesterday with my horse I couldn't stay, They said "the mayor might come that way" And I couldn't let the stable down. "Your stomach's wrong," said Doctor Drew, "diet" I said "if I do, My favourite colours are pink and blue I couldn't let the stable down. We’ve got pride put on side, ride the high horse too, If we're late at the starting gate the horse will pull us through. In our nudist camp by gosh, what I wear makes me look posh, A nice transparent mackintosh. I couldn't let the stable down. With Violet I went in a wood, the wood violets were all in bud When I found out that Violet would I couldn't let the stable down I kmow a girl when nights are fine, walked in her sleep she looked divine Tonight I'm going to walk in mine I couldn't let the stable down We’ve got pride put on side, ride the high horse too, If we're late at the starting gate the horse will pull us through. A dame said "for a sport that's real, shoot at my country seat at Deal." I hit it three times off the reel, I couldn't let the stable down... Alternative couplet At hunt the button with Miss Moore, I played for hours and what is more, I found what I was hunting for, I couldn't let the stable down. Back To Top Of Page I DID WHAT I COULD WITH MY GASMASK Now I'm getting very fond of my gasmask I declare, It hardly ever leaves my side. I sling it on my back and I take it everywhere, It even comes to bed at night. It's been a real good pal to me I must confess And helped me out of many a mess. My sister had a lot of socks to mend, So she gave me a fat bouncing baby to tend, And when I felt it leaking at one end, Well I did what I could with my gas mask. I bought a farm because I like fresh air, At milking time a try to do my share. And when I found the bucket wasn't there I did what I could with my gasmask. The lady living next door, Mrs. Hicks She heard the sirens blow one morn at ten to six. She dashed outside in nothing but her nicks, But she knew what to do with her gasmask. By train I went for a very tiring ride, There wasn't any corridor outside. And when I felt the turning of the tide Well I did what I could with my gasmask. To see old Epstein's Adam in the nude I once thought I'd go with my Aunt Ermintrude And when she sniffed and said 'Uh!' how very rude Still he knows what to do with his gas mask. For years I've courted Anabella Price And always found her just as cold as ice Until one night the lass forgot her ma's advice Then I did what I could with my gasmask. Back To Top Of Page I DO DO THINGS I DO A daring little rascal, that's what my friends call me Getting into trouble is to me like A B C. At school I drew the teacher's face on someone else's slate, Now I'm grown up I write rude words upon the doctor's gate. Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do I did a daring deed today and didn't care a sou. I smacked a lump of meat outside a butcher's shop in Kew Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do; Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do I raised my hat one evening to a lady dressed in blue She said "How are you", I replied "What's that to do with you?" Oh, I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do; I went into a hosiers, I'd nothing else to do The man behind the counter said "What can I do for you?" I said "Are all your shirts quite clean, or are the clean ones gone?" "We've heaps" he cried, then I replied "Why don't you put one on?" Oh, oh I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do I made a policeman stop the traffic once at Waterloo He said "Do you want to cross the road?" I answered "No, do you?" Oh I do do things I do I do, I do do things I do Back To Top Of Page I DON'T LIKE I'm so shy in every way, can't tell what I want to say, afraid I'm much too slow Other lovers get on swell but when I'm beneath your spell, I can't let myself go. I don't like, full of passion I could be, You'd wonder what's come over me, but I don't like. If you knew, I could be romantic too And even prove how I love you but I don't like Can't we take a lesson from the birdies up above, they enjoy life's blessings And they all get along with a little bit of love. But I don’t like, on my knees I'd gladly go I'd be a regular Romeo, but I don't like. I don't like, when I'm all alone with you There's always something we could do, but I don't like I'm not rough, sure I've waited long enough I want to start and do my stuff but I don't like Can't we take a lesson from the birdies up above, they enjoy life's blessings, And they all get along with a little bit of love. But I don't like, if I had a stronger will, I'm certain I'd give you a thrill but I don't like I don't like, I've never loved a girl before, I'd take you home and lock the door, but I don't like. Back To Top Of Page I PARTED MY HAIR IN THE MIDDLE I used to be bashful and shy, for fast living I didn't care But now you can tell I'm a bit of a dog, in fact I'm a devil-may-care. They told me to lead a gay life, a life that was dashing and free So I made me mind up to do something rash, to show what a nut I could be. So I parted my hair in the middle, in the middle, in the middle. Now when I leave my hotel everyone follows me, dogs as well. If I give a girl the glad eye, I smile and I say "Twiddle, twiddle" And I've smoked some brown paper without being ill since I parted my hair in the middle. Patter One night with a girl you'll agree, I had an appointment and so And as I'm just a little bit spoony, on airing my best Sunday clothes I did go. I got her a nice bunch of flowers, from a dustbin just up the back street Then as I stood in front of the looking-glass there To make my appearance complete. I parted my hair in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, Then I noticed our tom cat was washing his face on the front door mat He carefully curved his moustache, then at me his left eye he did twiddle Then I knew that he'd got an appointment as well 'Cause he's parted his hair in the middle. Back To Top Of Page I PLAYED ON MY SPANISH GUITAR I'm Bull Tonsilliter, the finest bullfighter that ever came out of Madrid. With bulls I can juggle, though madly they struggle, they can't get away from this kid There's nobody else could be keener, it's a treat to watch me fight the bull. I chase them all round the arena and make nasty scars on their skull. Then I play on my Spanish guitar, tralla, la, la, la, la, la, 1a, la. It must be a good ‘un, it isn't a dud ‘un, I bought it at Woolworth's bazaar, ha,ha. The president's wife is the curse of his life, She loves drinking wine 'til she's full. One night she got canned and fell out o' grandstand Right onto a nasty big bull. Then over it's head the bull tossed her, I laughted and began to recite "There was a young lady from Gloucester." And the bullocks all roared with delight. Then I played on my Spanish guitar, Now I'm sure that old dame's got a scar. The bull caught her bending, it's really heart rending She's got to stand up in the car, ha, ha. I've had lots of fights and I've had a few frights, There was once when the bull got me down. He jumped on my corns and stuck both of his horns In my shanty in old shanty town. His eyes they were staring and glassy, I could feel his hot breath in my ear. So I stabbed him three times in the chassis And wished him a happy new year. Then I played on my Spanish guitar While the people all shouted "hurrah". That bull got a shock, so he turned into Oxo, You'll find him on sale in the bar, ha, ha. I've left old Madrid, it's a good job I did I'd get shot if I went there again. They gave me the sack but I got my own back They'll be sorry they chased me from Spain. I'll bet that old town is excited, In the bull ring there'll be lots of rows. But the animals, they'll be delighted 'cos I've mixed all the bulls with the cows. So I play on my Spanish guitar, If I practise I'll soon be a star. But don't tell a soul, 'cos I'm going on the dole 'till I've mastered this lousy guitar, ha, ha. Back To Top Of Page I TOLD MY BABY WITH THE UKULELE Now I had a sweetie once upon a time, well she was my ideal, And when she was near I used to feel, well you know how you feel. But I was shy and couldn’t tell my love, when I did my knees all shook, So I thought I would say it with music and I bought myself a uke. I learnt this sloppy tune,then one night underneath the Wigan moon. I told my baby with the ukulele, I sung a song of Araby, I told my baby with the ukulele, but she only laughed at me. I played it soft and sad, she didn’t care a bit, And then I got so mad I swore I’d make a hit. So I told my baby with the ukulele, I bashed her with it over the head, But oh! She was a pal, I only wish you could have seen that gal. Her hair was brunette type, It had pretty wrinkles like you see in tripe. She’s going to have it bobbed this Spring, Now where will the sparrows nest, poor things. Her face, it is so bright, you can’t see a blemish on a foggy night, And when she smiles on her own accord Her face lights up because she’s lantern jawed. Her teeth they are devine, all the colours in the rainbow there you’ll find, Black, blue, green and red you bet, She only wants a white one for a snooker set. Her neck, I loved it so, I brought her a present about a week ago, Two little gifts she’ll use I hope, I bought her a sponge and a bar of soap. When I went to meet my little maid, let her hear the sernade I played I told my baby with the ukulele, I sung a song of Araby, I told my baby with the ukulele, but she only laughed at me. I played it soft and sad, she didn’t care a bit, And then I got so mad I swore I’d make a hit. So I told my baby with the ukulele, I bashed her with it over the head, But oh! She was a pal, I only wish you could have seen that gal. Back To Top Of Page I WAS ALWAYS A WILLING YOUNG LAD I'm John William Billy, and folks state to me That I'm a most willing young man they agree They've nick-named me "Willing John Willie, the sport", Though all my pals called me "Dogs Body" for short I met a young French female girl yesterday She smiled, I smiled back and said "It's been a nice day." I was always a willing young lad, and she looked very Frenchie and bad She called me "Monsieur" (mon-sewer) as I went passing by Said, "Lala, you compre me", then winked her eye. I said, "I don't know what it means, but I'll try" I was always a willing young lad. Patter The burglars broke into our house t'other night The wife said "Go down!" I said, "No, it's not right. You know what I am, so hot-headed and strong, I might kill 'em all then I'll go and get hung." She said, "Go and see, perhaps it's only the cat". I got up and said, "Well, we'll soon settle that". I was always a willing young lad, they were burglars ee, I was mad He stood seven foot from his feet to his lid He picked up a jemmy and said, "Look here kid, You hop it before you get hurt", so I did. I was always a willing young lad. Back To Top Of Page I WAS CHRISTENED WITH A HORSESHOE Why do lots of people grumble and wish they had a million Dream all day of castles in the air. Now you will never hear me grumble, I've never craved a million The little I've got is a great big lot, I haven't a care I was christened with a horseshoe, there's a rainbow everywhere I go Though I haven't got a lot to show, Lady Luck's a friend of mine I was christened with a horseshoe and I'm looking on the sunny side. ‘Cause the sunny is the funny side, everything is going fine Now I'm walking down on easy street, 'Cause I've found there's someone very sweet There's a flat to let on Easy Street And I've got a feeling she's gonna be there with me I was christened with a horseshoe, I can laugh at any cloudy sky ‘Cause I only see the clouds roll by, Lady luck's a friend of mine. I was christened with a horseshoe, and I've even got the lump to show And I take it everywhere I go - all the world's a friend of mine. I was christened with a horseshoe, to the jockeys I'm the perfect host. Every horse I back is past the post, Lady Luck's a friend of mine. I'd a lovely bit of luck today, and a lot of money came my way, So I'm gonna paint the whole town gay, and a certain little she's gonna be there with me. I was christened with a horseshoe, can you wonder why I don't go wrong Why my life is such a happy song, Lady Luck's a friend of mine. Back To Top Of Page I WENT ALL HOT AND COLD Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold. Now have you ever noticed folks the shivers that you get Some of then make you feel cold then break out in a sweat. They usually occur when you have had a shock or fright Now I get them quite regular, here's one I had last night Ee, I went all hot and cold I did, I went all hot and cold I met a girl who looked as though she'd just strayed from the fold I said you must come home with me and shelter from the cold She said all right. I'll stay the night Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold Now I went to a party once a few miles out of town And when the time for home came well the rain came pouring down The hostess said "Sleep on the couch", well I felt such a clown She said "If you're not warm enough, I'll bring you a bottle down. Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold But just like some big schoolboy I did just as I was told I drank that bottle of whisky that she said was ten years old Then I saw blue pigs and pink earwigs, And I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold. Now I went for my holidays down by the deep blue sea The job I had to get some digs, it really puzzled me Still after many hours a lady came to me and said "There's room up in my attic", but I hadn't been long in bed. Before I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold 'Cause lying next to me there was a figure grey and cold I shouted for the lady and she came up brave and bold She said that's all right, he only died last night. Hee! I went all hot and cold, I did, I went all hot and cold. Back To Top Of Page I WISH I WAS BACK ON THE FARM Oh I wish I was back on the farm, I wish I was back on the farm. If you want to learn your lesson just you hear what I’m confessin, Oh I wish I was back on the farm. Now when I was just a hayseed with a straw stuck in my mouth I packed my bag and took a train that was headin' for the south. I wandered through the city streets and everything was new But all the coppers moved me on and the girls they moved me too. Now I wish I was back on the farm, I wish I was back on the farm. Where the bulls don't put it over and the cows stop in the clover, I wish I was back on the farm. Now a pretty girl came up to me and she began to chat, She said she'd give me something nice if I'd go up to her flat, I said I'd like a cup of tea, she seemed to think it odd And when I said it's time to go she charged me thirty bob. Oh I wish I was back on the farm, yes I wish I was down on the farm. Where there's fun and plenty of it and it isn't done for profit, Oh I wish I was back on the farm. Now I went into a nightclub where a lady did a dance, .She'd nothing on but pigeons and she left the rest to chance, She didn't seem to feel the cold, the birds knew where to stay, I clapped my hands and shouted but they wouldn't go away, Oh I wish she was back on our farm, yes I wish she was back on our farm She'd have nothing on whatever 'cos our pigeons aren't that clever, Oh I wish she was back on our farm. Back To Top Of Page I WONDER WHO'S UNDER HER BALCONY NOW Things have gone wrong, with my love song I'm not serenading tonight. In my place there's somebody new, doing the things that I ought to do. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl Will he kiss her under the nose, Or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows If he's fresh and gets too free, I hope a bulldog bites him in the place it bit me. I wonder who s under her balcony now, who s kissing my girl. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Will he kiss her under the nose, or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows. I will bet ten to one, there's not a thing that he can do that I haven't done. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Will he kiss her under the nose or underneath the porch way where the Sweet William grows. May he fall, feel a wreck, and stagger home with half the trellis work round his neck. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Will he kiss her under the nose, or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows. I hope he, catches the lot, when she empties out her old geranium pot . I wonder who's under her balcony now, who's kissing my girl. Back To Top Of Page I'D DO IT WITH A SMILE When I used to find troubles come my way I always wished they wouldn't stay But I'm not so sure since you came along Whether I was right or wrong. If you ask me would I entertain the lions at the zoo By singing in beside them just before their lunch was due Would I do it? I'd do more, I’d do it with a smile. If you ask me would I take a trip to Paris in the spring And see the girls and watch the thrills and never do a thing Would I do it? I'd do more, I’d do it with a smile. I'm not a super sort of man, there isn't much that I can do but sing Yet if you watch me at a fight, I could knock Joe Louis out the ring If you ask me to be hypnotised and go into a trance Or even pay my income tax for ten years in advance. Would I do it? I'd do more, I’d do it with a smile. When we're all alone, no-one near to see Foolish thoughts occur to me. Maybe you can guess what they're all about So I'll let the secret out. If you ask me would I settle down and build a little home, Carve the ham and push the pram. and never never roam. Would I do it? I'd do more, I'd do it with a smile. If you ask me could your mother stay and all your maiden aunts Or suggest I take my trousers off so you could wear the pants. Would I do it? I'd do more, I'd do it with a smile. I don't know much about romance, That is something I've been frightened of, Yet someone taught me how to dance So maybe you can teach me how to love. If you ask me would I sew for you or knit some baby clothes Or take the baby's nappy off and wipe his little nose. Would I do it? I'd do more, I'd do it with a smile. Back To Top Of Page I’D LIKE A DREAM LIKE THAT I’ve always had ambitions to go upon the stage, Last night I went to bed and dreamt that I was all the rage. I felt a thrill, I dreamt I topped the bill And a big revue part I could take. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I’d like a dream like that when I'm awake. I danced with girls dressed up in strings of pearls And all the strings started to break. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I’d like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel, delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. One girl in fact she did a striptease act And a liberty she tried to take But Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I’d like a dream like that when I'm awake. Godiva's ghost I saw at my bedpost, and she gave my shoulders a shake. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's Peeping Tom she said I'm hiding from. So room for me you'd better make. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel, delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. My bare back ride gave me the cramp she cried. But I bet you can guess where I ache. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. Alternative couplets In a bedroom scene with England's Virgin queen I took the part of a feller called Drake. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. A voice so clear it shouted "drakey dear History we're going to make Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. It's always so real I wake up and feel delirious with delight Shouting with all my might, Oh, what a wonderful night. Said good queen Liz. how bitter cold it is, But what a hot water bottle you'll make, Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like a dream like that when I'm awake. Back To Top Of Page IF I HAD A GIRL LIKE YOU If I wasn't me but a different sort of chap, what a romeo I'd be. I'd be able to see, it's an awful handicap when a guy’s as shy as me. What happiness might come my way, if I could just speak up and say I'll bet I could work wonders, seems too good to be true, I could be a b. marvel if I had a girl like you. Single handed I'd rescue ship and captain and crew, I'd be number one hero if I had a girl like you I’d spend my leisure finding hidden treasure, No-one could measure the things that I do In the stormiest weather I could eat a pie stew, I'd become a real sailor if I had a girl like you I could do without moonlight and give the stars a rest too, I'd be warm in a snowstorm if I had a girl like you. All the radio programmes would be strictly taboo, They could keep their old brainstrust if I had a girl like you. I'd never long for meals, they ring a gong for, The shows they throng for I never would view, I'm telling you I'd have pennies from heaven, I could live in a shoe, They could take my clothes coupons if I had a girl like you Back To Top Of Page IF YOU DON'T WANT THE GOODS DON'T MAUL 'EM Now here s a little motto song I'd like to sing to you, Some of them are very old and some of them are new. But here’s one in particular it's funny in it's way, I wonder what we'd think if we heard our ancestors say. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. Are you going to marry my daughter sir? Said Pa to Johnny Doleham John said no so Pa said go, if you don't want the goods, don't maul ' em. Now we all learned our history when we were kids at school, We went there almost every day to learn the golden rules. King Solomon was a gay old boy, he was a lively spark And this is what you might have heard while listening in the dark. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. King Solomon had six hundred wives and he always used to call 'em, Till one of them turned to him, and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em. Now Smith went to a doctor once who lived in Harley street He said my man those gallstones they will drag you off your feet, Just come inside my hospital at once without delay. He did and when they chloriformed him he was heard to say. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. They were just about to operate on his appendix, what do you call 'em, When he popped up his head and to the doctor said if you don't want the goods don't maul ' em. Now once I took my holidays and went across to France, . I hadn't been there since the war so thought I'd take a chance. I strolled along a street there that they call the Bous Boulogne , And when a French girl spoke to me I shouted out this song. If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don’t maul em, don't maul 'em If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you. Now while I was in Paris I stayed in a what do you call 'em, There were notices on every wall, if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em Napoleon said I love my troops and whatever may befall 'em When Josephine stood up and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em. Back To Top Of Page I'M A FROGGIE Through saving up the coupons in Day and Martin's tea I won a weekend ticket to gay Paree. My clothes will tell you I am a continental swell. I'm so French now that I no speak the English very well The young French women, ee they're fast, on Monday one sweet pet She smiled and asked me if I'd like to see her maisonette. I wired back home for fourpence more, but mother wouldn't part So I was whacked or as we French say in the a-la-carte. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Frenchie dirty doggy. I speak the French tongue most fluidly, they all know me when I say "wee wee" I'm a maisong, I'm a tres bong; thats a can can I’m not sure. The shirt that I’m now wearing is pomme de tearing I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Lancashire main sewer (monsieur). The Frenchie girls all call me a chick I don't know why, Unless it's my fine feathers that caught their eye. I smiled once at a French girl, she smiled back at me too, But her old man to make things worse had fought at Waterloo. He said we'd have to fight a duel and I turned white as chalk. He gave me choice of weapons so I chose a knife and fork. And as I turned to run away, the coward stabbed me hard. Then picked his missus up and smacked her on the boulevard. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Frenchie dirty doggy. Our knocker-up calls me her "apache", she gets very rash, swings on my tash. I'm a flirter, bit of skirter, ruined homes lie at my door. The girls call me deceiver, the kids call "viveur" (rake - fast liver). I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Lancashire main sewer. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Frenchie dirty doggy. The girls say when my hat I raise, what polished ways, so mayonnaise. Women chase me and embrace me and I blame my "rougette noix" (red nut). They say I make 'em goosey, their eyes go juicy. I'm a Froggie, I'm a Froggie, I'm a Lancashire main sewer. Back To Top Of Page I'M AS HAPPY AS A SANDBOY Away with depression, away with all care I've got the impression I'm walking on air. The outlook is splendid, that's just how I feel My troubles are ended, I've found my ideal. 'Cause I'm as happy as a sandboy, with a castle made of sand I'm as happy as a sandboy, made the leader of the band I can always see the rainbow, when I look into her eyes. I can always see the rainbow as the sun sinks in the skies. Tra la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. That is what I feel I want to say. For today I found my lucky star With a hip, hip, hip hooray. I'm as happy as a sandboy, I'm beside myself with glee. I'm the happiest man in the world, cause she said yes to me. I'm as happy as a sandboy, with a castle made of sand. I'm as happy as a sandboy, made the leader of the band. I can always see the rainbow, when I look into her eyes I can always see the rainbow as the sun sinks in the skies. Wedding bells are going to ring for me Furthermore I solemnly declare We will have a lovely family tree, with grand kids everywhere. Oh I'm as Happy as a Sandboy, I'm beside myself with glee I'm the happiest man in the world, 'cause she said yes to me. Back To Top Of Page I’M MAKING HEADWAY NOW Hello old pal I’m glad we’ve met I’ve grown quite fond of you. You’re quiet as a lamb but don’t forget we’ll show them what to do. One another we’ll stand by, to prove my words I mean to try You’ve got a kick and so have I, I’m making headway now. Of wheat and chaff we’ve ample stores, I know I’ll never starve because When I’ve eaten mine I’ll start on yours, I’m making headway now. I’ve got my ambition, I’ll be the talk of the town. I’ll hold my position, you can’t keep a growing lad down. I joined a gym for exercise, the lady instructor put me wise She made my spare parts twice the size, I’m making headway now. I’ve got a job and I mean to score, for me there’s something good in store I won’t clean windows anymore, I’m making headway now. I take a horsebox to the course, that takes quite a lot of force I must be strong to box a horse, I’m making headway now I’ve got my ambition, I’ll be the talk of the town. I’ll hold my position, you can’t keep a growing lad down. Once I phoned the railway folk, "give me the goods" a lady spoke She said, "I’m the goods" I said "That’s oke" I’m making headway now I mean to join the ARP the fire brigade and the CID I might even join the BBC I’m making headway now A heavyweight I had to fight I said, "In my left there’s dynamite And a couple of horseshoes in my right" I’m making headway now I’ve got my ambition, I’ll be the talk of the town. I’ll hold my position, you can’t keep a growing lad down. Said the girl "If your wife I should be of children I’d like two or three" I said "You can leave all that to me" I’m making headway now Back To Top Of Page I'M SAVING UP FOR SALLY I may be rather careful, a little slow to spend, Don't often push the boat out and I haven't cash to lend. It's not that I'm a meanie or spending comes amiss, I'll tell you confidentially folks the reason for it is. I'm saving up for Sally, I'm saving for a rainy day. I save what I can spare, a penny here and there And just to keep us off the rocks I pop it in my money box. Oh! I'm not the lad to dally, of Sally I'm as proud as I can be. It's a lovely thing to be her beau but all the same I'd like to know If Sally's saving up a bit for me. I haven't popped the question or asked her to be mine But Sally's such a darling I'll have to draw the line It may be any minute, I hope she'll say I will But till I've plucked my courage up I'll keep on saving still 'Cause I'm saving up for Sally, I'm saving for a honeymoon. I've got to buy a ring, a mattress with a spring There's one thing that I have to get, a nice new shiny bassinette. Oh! I'm not the lad to dally, of Sally I'm as proud as I can be. But before I go to that expense I'd like to know in self defence If Sally's saving up a bit for me. I'm not the lad to dally, of Sally I'm as proud as I can be. It's a lovely thing to be her beau but all the same I'd like to know If Sally's saving up a bit for me. Back To Top Of Page I'M SHY I’m just dumb, the words won’t come, my tongue I cannot find, I feel so scared, I’ve never dared, to say what’s on my mind. Why can’t I, tell you the way I feel, let loose my sex appeal Why? Because I’m shy. Why can’t I, make love like other guys, flash with my wicked eyes, Why? Because I’m shy Oh what a sin if I never win my ideal, You’ll never guess and I can’t express how I feel, terribly bashful Why can’t I? Do what a lover should, start while the goings good, Why? Because I’m shy. Why can’t I, kiss girls and run away, make love another day Why? Because I’m shy. Why can’t I, go after big romance kiss girls and take a chance Why? Because I’m shy. Oh what a sin if I never win my ideal, You’ll never guess and I can’t express how I feel, terribly bashful Why can’t I, set flappers hearts afire, fill ‘em with mad desire, Why? Because I’m shy. Extra couplet Why can’t I, sunbathe without my clothes, Show off these and those, Why? Because I’m shy. Back To Top Of Page I’M THE HUSBAND OF THE WIFE OF MR WU Famous men they come and go, where they go to I don’t know All I know it's clear, I'm still here. I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. Our honeymoon in china was a do, we visited pagodas, quite a few. Said a geisha, "you look sporty", but I said "I daren't be naughty, I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. Said a geisha serving tea, "me likey you". A tasty dish she brought and made love too, Then I said, "you'd better stop quick, you can't meddle with my chopstick I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. In the market square of things I bought a few They tried to sell me silk pyjamas too. I said, "though I might admire 'em,I don't think I shall require 'em, I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu She feeds me up with nice chop-suey too Of charms she has a lot, don't know exactly what It's just a little something that the others haven't got. Then a girl said, "I intend to marry you, Of little chinks we'll soon have twenty two I said, "that's a proposition, but I'm no Chinese magician I'm the husband of the wife of Mr. Wu." Back To Top Of Page IMAGINE ME ON THE MAGINOT LINE You should see me out in France wearing my tin hat. Midst shot and shell it's worse than..! Well it's even worse than that. Now imagine me on the Maginot Line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line. Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. French girls make a fuss of me, I'm not French as you can see But I know what they mean when they say Oui Oui, down on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. The enemy we had to chase, but my gun got out of place. I went and shot the colonel in the base, down on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line. Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. At night myself to sleep I sing, to my old tin hat I cling. I have to use it for everything, down on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine Suddenly a pain I felt. A doctor on my tummy knelt. He slapped a poultice underneath my belt, right on the Maginot line. Now imagine me in the Maginot line, sitting on a mine in the Maginot line Now it's turned out nice again, the army life is fine. Hitler can't kid us a lot. His secret weapon's 'tommyrot" You ought to see what the sergeant's got, down on the Maginot line, down on the Maginot line. Back To Top Of Page IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GREAT DEAL WORSE Now I've knocked about, my lucks been out but things don't worry me. Though kicks I've had they're not so bad as what they seem to be. I've been in jams and what is more, I boxed with one chap twelve stone four He broke my ribs and smashed my jaw, but it might have been a great deal worse. Brown went home and caught young Blair cuddling his wife in a chair. Had it been last week he'd have caught me there, so it might have been a great deal worse Everything happens for the best, take it from me. Never turn back if things look black 'cause they're not as bad as they seem to be While bathing, Miss Jones, plump and stout ripped her dress and gave a shout. But the tide was late in going out, so it might have been a great deal worse. In the park while going strong, my girl said, " Now you know that's wrong." If a copper hadn't come along it might have been a great deal worse Mary Sheefsby went astray, with a shepherd she went gay. But she only lost her sheep that day, so it might have been a great deal worse. Everything happens for the best, take it from me. Never turn back if things look black 'cause they're not as bad as they seem to be. I got shipwrecked with a girl named Lou, I said, "Cheer up things aren't so blue, If I'd have got the mate instead of you, it might have been a great deal worse." I motorcycled with Miss Blake, violent looks she began to make But I kept my hand upon my brake or it might have been a great deal worse. I'm not well built, my chest is weak, I haven't got a fine physique, But I think I've got what most girls seek, so it might have been a great deal worse. Everything happens for the best, take it from me. Never turn back if things look black 'cause they're not as bad as they seem to be. Some figures we watched in the sky, I shouted as I closed one eye, It's a good job elephants don't fly, or it might have been a great deal worse. Back To Top Of Page IN A LITTLE WIGAN GARDEN Talk of your beautiful meadows and fields and your parks so grand Talk of your wonderful gardens down at Kew. I know a spot that can beat all the lot it’s the best I’ve seen Keep all your hills and dales, put me with the slugs and snails. In a little Wigan garden, where the dandelions grow With my sweetie frowsy Flo round the mulberry bush we go Underneath the Wigan Palm trees there I bring her up to scratch We have such a game on the cucumber frame; I’d show her the cabbage patch When the morning mildew christens our shallots, Scented breezes coming from the chimney pots In a little Wigan Garden, when the soot is falling down Oh what a place, what a case, a disgrace to my hometown. All sorts of things come with wings some with stings every night appear Glow worms and silkworms and Wigan earwigs too. Crocuses croak with the fog and the smoke from the gasworks near The one thing that only grows, is the wart on my sweeties nose In a little Wigan garden with my little Wiganese Getting stung with bumble bees, between the cabbages and peas ‘Neath the Wigan water lilies where the drainpipe overflows There’s my girl and me she sits on my knee And watch how the rhubarb grows ‘Neath the shady tree to my loved one I cling While the birds above do everything but sing It’s a rotten Wigan garden, everything grows upside down Oh what a place what a case, a disgrace to my hometown. Back To Top Of Page IN MY LITTLE SNAPSHOT ALBUM Now I’m a young inventor, a chap with good ideas, I’ve built myself a camera, it took me years and years. It’s a wonderful invention with special x-ray tricks, It can take a picture in the dark and can even see through bricks. I bought myself an album and filled it up with snaps, And I’ve got some lovely pictures of the local girls and chaps. Now I’ve got a picture of the girl next door, in my little snapshot album, And I’ve never had a better snap before, in my little snapshot album. The night was dark and the hour was late, She was kissing her boy by the garden gate, Wouldn’t she love to see page eight, in my little snapshot album. And I’ve got a picture of my old granddad, in my little snapshot album. He’s over eighty but a real bad lad, in my little snapshot album Although he’s an old antique, He thinks he’s still the village sheik, I’ve got him dancing cheek to cheek in my little snapshot album. Now I’ve got a picture of the vicar’s wife, in my little snapshot album. Chasing the Curate with a carving knife in my little snapshot album. Now what he did was all in fun But it’s not the kind of thing that’s done, I can see he pinched her hot-cross bun, in my little snapshot album. And I’ve got a picture of a nudist camp, in my little snapshot album, All very jolly but a trifle damp, in my little snapshot album. There’s Uncle Dick without a care, discarding all his underwear, But his watch and chain still dangle there, in my little snapshot album. Back To Top Of Page IN THE CONGO Southern Skies, sapphire seas, crocodiles, chimpanzees, Cocoa palms, rubber trees, that’s the Congo. Where the blazing tropic sun, bakes you like a hot cross bun, Where mosquitoes make you run, that’s the Congo. It’s grand getting tanned when you loll upon the sand in the Congo, in the Congo. All that you wear is a little here and there in the Congo, in the Congo. You take a hut up in the tree, then you’re in high society And all the lovely scenery, You get a view of the swamp where the alligators romp. Warm summer nights when they light the harbour lights in the Congo, in the Congo. Gay Congorites flock around to see the sights, twenty cocoa beans they pay, To see Miss Wongo wag her little bongo, sing a little Congo-lay, Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! In the Congo cabaret. It’s grand getting canned when you loll upon the sand, In Wigan’s Congo, in Wigan’s Congo. You don’t wear any togs you only wear a pair of clogs, In Wigan’s Congo, in Wigan’s Congo. You take a hut upon the pier, where they supply you with free beer, The colliers shout "By gum hear, hear" You get a view of the tripe as it’s getting nice and ripe. Warm summer nights when they light the harbour lights In Wigan’s Congo, in Wigan’s Congo. Gay Wiganites flock around to see the sites, twenty cowheels each they pay. To see fat Mrs. Marston do the Wigan Charleston, I’m sure she’s going to bust one day. Eee! Eee! Eee! By gum! In Wigan’s Congo cabaret Eee! Eee! Eee! By gum! In Wigan’s Congo cabaret Back To Top Of Page IT COULD BE Love's a most peculiar thing for an ordinary fellow like it me, It can me you feel sad, make you feel glad, There's nothing an impossibility Now, you've heard of the prince of sweet Cinderella, She was his girlfriend and he was her fella' They looked on the moon when the old moon was yella', Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be. Browning made love to Elizabeth Barrett, There's love in a mansion yes and there's love in a garret You tie the thing up with the old eighteen caret, Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be. I’ll never believe you're as good as you look There's seldom a rose without thorns You're all that I need you can learn how to cook So let's take the bull by the horns Darby and Joan had no troubles whatever They knew all the tricks about living together, So happy, contented for ever and ever, Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be Calmly the bride down the aisle is seen treading, The bridegroom is nervous and seceretly dreading The music that Mendelssohn wrote for a wedding, Could be you, could be me, could be we it could be. Words of encouragement from the old pater Who wants to be sure that not very later There'll be a demand for a smart perambulator, Could be you, could be me, could be we it could be. I'll never rush back from work at the end of the day Contented to be where you are, I'll never go out when you ask me to stay I won't join the boys in the bar. Now let's be as one let's enjoy every minute, Happiness awaits round the corner let's win it, So lets not waste time let's begin to begin it Could be you, could be me, could be we it could be. Back To Top Of Page IT SERVES YOU RIGHT Ever since the days of old the Navy's ruled the waves. For years they've told the world that Britain's never shall be slaves. The Navy still remembers and you'll often hear them say What Nelson told Napoleon upon Trafalgar day. It serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves you right. It serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, you might have been sitting tight You might have been in Civvy Street instead of in the fight But it serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves you right And it's no use kicking up a row because your nobody's sweetheart now. You can weep and sigh and pipe your eye but still you’re in the fight It serves you right, you shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves you right. I wouldn't mind the Navy if the blinking ship were still It's all this bobbing up and down that makes me feel so ill. The seas alright for sharks and whales and things the like of that But I'd rather stick my Marlin's Pike in llkley Moor ba'tat But It serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves me right It serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, I might have been sitting tight. When I was cleaning windows I would keep ‘em nice and bright But now I'm polishing portholes, rubbing them up with all me might. And it's no use kicking up a row because I'm nobody's sweetheart now. One day up in the crow’s nest I was feeling bright and gay 'Til the captain shouted’ Don’t come down, we've taken the ship away'. I used to be a chimney sweep in dear old Wigan town. I used to do the lady's down the street for half a crown But now I don't get nothing for the little jobs I do. I wish I was in Wigan sweeping Mrs. Jones's flue. But it serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, it jolly well serves me right It serves me right, I shouldn't have joined, I might have been sitting tight. I thought in every port I'd get a cuddle every night But all I've done is cuddle a gun and work up an appetite. And it's no use kicking up a row because I'm nobody's sweetheart now. There's a draught around my fore and aft my jumper's much too tight I've got barnacles on my binnacle and it ruddy well serves me right. Back To Top Of Page IT'S IN THE AIR Is there anybody near us? (No) Well can anybody hear us? (No) For I've got something important to say Skid-a-way, skid-ah, skidoo, tripe and trotters and cowheel stew Do I seem a little loony? (Well) Well I am a little loony (you said it) For I've not been feeling myself all day. It’s.... in.... the.... air ... this funny feeling everywhere That makes me sing without a care today As I go on my way it's in the air. It's.... in.... the.... air.... there's great excitement here and there The sun is shining everywhere and spring Makes everybody sing, it's in the air. Zoom zoom zoom zoom high and low. Zoom zoom zoom zoom here we go. It's.... in.... the.... air... .I feel so smart and debonair And I must warn each lady fair beware Look out and have a care, it's in the air It's.... in.... the.... air ... .I feel so smart and debonair And I must warn each lady fair, beware Look out and have a care, it's in the air. It's.... in.... the.... air... .I feel so smart and debonair And I must warn each lady fair beware Look out and have a care, it's in the air. Back To Top Of Page IT’S NO USE LOOKING AT ME Last Sunday I strolled into church the first time for years A christening they had, a fine baby lad The parson said, "Now who’s the pa of this bouncing boy" He looked at me, I grabbed my hat and said, "I don’t do things like that" It’s no use looking at me, no use looking at me He said I really thought a likeness I could see I blushed red all around my ears and said "My word what strange ideas" Why I’ve been to sea for the last three years So it’s no use looking at me. It’s no use looking at me In the courts a murder case I heard being tried "The murderer" said they "is at large today" But no doubt they'll trace him by the scar on his face The judge then glared all round the dock He caught my eye, I said "Old cock" It’s no use looking at me, no use looking at me He said, "I thought a scar on your face I could see" I said, "You’re rather out of place I’ve got a scar but in my case It’s a darned long way off from my face So it’s on use looking at me. No it ‘s looking at me." At acting once I tried my hand they said I’d be good Arrangements were made and Hamlet I played I got rather muddled when I dressed for the part The audience were full of grins. I shouted out "Odds Bodderkins" It’s no use looking at me, no use looking at me I was feeling a draught around my anatomy I must have looked the sight of sights I shouted "Ee turn out the lights" Cause I’ve only got one leg in my tights So it’s no use looking at me. No, no it’s no use looking at me. Back To Top Of Page IT'S TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN Springtime, Summer, Autumn, Winter, so the seasons go. Sometimes we get them all at once with a little rain or snow. The sun for long it doesn't shine, it's either wet or else it's fine. Last night I said when I went to bed , its turned out nice again. In this hotel, I’ll sleep well, its turned out nice again. A sweet young bride then popped inside, turned down the counterpane She shouted "oo" I said "Peek boo", it's turned out nice again" .Said Mrs. Rouse at Seaview House, its turned out nice again. The joint is through but as a stew it's turned out nice again. A fork she stuck into the duck, it seemed to be in pain I said here goes for the parson’s nose, it's turned out nice again When you call upon your girl you start to be polite. Though it's raining cats and dogs you say "It's a lovely night tonight". With her you start to bill and coo, the glass is falling, and she is too. Last washing day I heard 'em say "It's turned out nice again" For the bits of hose and these and those, it's turned out nice again. To Mrs. James 'or wots 'er names I said "You can't complain It's the same pair dear that you wore last year, they've turned out nice again". Said Doctor Wright to me last night, "It's turned out nice again It's plain to tell the wife's doing well, it's turned out nice again. I said to the nurse "Tell me the worst", she said "You will feel vain. This time it's quads" I said "Ye Gods, it's turned out nice again." Back To Top Of Page