MADAM MOSCOVITCH In her little tent a Russian fortune teller reads your character and reads it true She can tell you all your past and present and the kids you’re having in the future too It’s all right-ski sitting in the dark-ski there She’s so nice-ski what’ll happen you don’t care For a bob-ski she’ll tell you, lots of things you never knew Madam Moscovitch, the Moscow witch, the Russian gypsy queen If you drop-ski half a crown, then she’ll let the curtain down Madam Moscovitch, the Moscow witch, the Russian gypsy queen She talks in Russian when she reads your hand You can’t understand, you wonder what she mean-ski I f you pay a quid then she, will unfold her mystery And you’ll see much more than you did before of the Russian gypsy queen. Who gives you vodka strong, till your fortune all goes wrong Madam Moscovitch, the Moscow witch, the Russian gypsy queen Who make-ski love-ski grand, it’s as well she holds your hand Madam Moscovitch, the Moscow witch, the Russian gypsy queen When Count Popinski popped in there one day, he felt rather gay But she said "Now you popout-ski." In her little tent, a jolly sailor went But he made a slip and he missed his ship thro’ the Russian gypsy queen Yo ho heave ho, yo ho heave ho Madam Moscovitch, the Moscow witch, the Russian gypsy queen. Back To Top Of Page MOTHER WHAT'LL I DO NOW Mother you give good advice, always you mean well. Now I need it more than ever I'm inside this cell. I'm behind a prison wall, the bed's so hard and much too small There's no pyjamas here at all, Oh Mother what'll I do now? They told me they would treat me swell tucked inside my little cell But up to now it's been like h...! Mother what'll I do now? We're parted from each other and that's too bad. You're my favourite Mother, Oh the best I ever had. Tonight I've got a date you see but they won't let me have a key And the Warder's won't wait up for me, Oh! Mother what'll I do now? It's hard to pass the time away, I'm in a dangerous mood I say. I've smoked two cigarettes today, Oh! Mother what'll I do now? First I stand and then I sit, then I sit and stand a bit But I can't stand much more of it, Oh! Mother what'll I do now? We're parted from each other and that's too bad. You're my favourite Mother, Oh the best I ever had. I got such an awful shock, I asked the time for there's no clock And the Warder said six months "Old Cock Oh! Mother what'll I do now? I ordered lunch from soup to sweet but they forgot the fish and meat And since the soup there's nowt to eat, Oh Mother what'll I do now? I've had such a tummy ache. All night long I've been awake. Some castor oil they made me take, Oh! Mother what'll I do now? We're parted from each other and that's too bad. You're my favourite Mother, Oh the best I ever had. I’ve played Peter fly away Paul, I’ve played tiddly winks and all I’ve written rude words upon the wall, Oh! Mother what'll I do now? Back To Top Of Page MR WU'S A WINDOW CLEANER NOW Mr. Wu no longer has a laundry. Sad to say the business was flop. He shouted 'what a hope' as he chewed a bar of soap And then put up the shutters of the shop. Said Mr. Wu, "What shall I do?" and Mr. Wu's a window cleaner now. The laundry, it didn't pay. Now there's no clean collars down Limehouse Way. When he goes out working, interest he arouses Polishing the windows with worn-out ladies blouses. He wears a pair of Cami nicks to save his Sunday trousers ‘Cos Mr. Wu's a window cleaner now. Now little Chinese wifie each day is getting madder, Tearing her silk stockings, her husband makes her sadder. All day long he wants to keep on running up the ladder 'Cos Mr. Wu's a window cleaner now. He had his eyesight tested, a most important matter. Through a bathroom window, a lady he peeps at her His eyesight’s getting better but his nose is getting flatter 'Cos Mr. Wu's a window cleaner now. Said Mr.Wu "What Shall I do?" And Mr Wu's a window cleaner now. The laundry it didn't pay. Now there's no clean collars down Limehouse Way. Customers he's washed for now are in bad humours. They feel quite neglected and I've heard the rumours. Lots of girls on winter nights go out without their garters. 'Cos Mr. Wu's a window cleaner now. Back To Top Of Page MR. WU’S IN THE AIR FORCE There's great excitement Limehouse way, Mr. Wu has gone they say. Packing his laundry bag he said "Bye ye". To the R.A.F. he went with glee, he said "Please you take-ee me". Now he's flying way up in the sky. He's in the Air Force is Mr. Wu, he's a rootin’ tootin' shootin' pilot too. His Coat of Arms are painted rather tricky, It's two stiff collars and a shirt that's got no elbow. He looks O.K. in his uniform as you have guessed. He chases women all day long and gives 'em no rest, But his wife says as a night fighter he's one of the best. He's in the Air Force now is Mr. Wu. His Limehouse business now is closed, that had to lapse, But still his laundry training, is handy, perhaps. He used to stiffen collars, now he's stiff'ning the Japs. He's in the Air Force now is Mr. Wu. Our language so confuses him, he gets in a mix When ordered on parade one day, gosh what a fix. Instead of wearing camouflage he wore cami-knicks, 'Cause he's in the Air Force now is Mr. Wu. He's in the Air Force is Mr. Wu, he's a rootin' tootin' shootin' pilot too. His Coat of Arms is painted rather tricky, It's two stiff collars and a shirt that's got no elbow. He goes out with his lady friend, Sally May Wong. They love to talk of aeroplanes, now don't get me wrong, He's so keen on his work he takes his blueprints along. 'Cause he's in the Air Force now is Mr. Wu. Back To Top Of Page MR. WU IS NOW AN AIR RAID WARDEN There's a Chinese laundry man, the famous Mr. Wu He's chucked his limehouse laundry shop and his window cleaning, too He's got another job, and it’s one of the best Now he's doing his bit for England like the rest. And Mr. Wu is now an air raid warden, and don’t he look cute in his new siren suit.. He goes round every night to make the black-out sure So if you've got a chink in your window, you'll have another one at your door His headquarters, it's plain, are down by lover's lane And he goes there every evening anyhow He'll flash his torch into the dark And the girls all cover their laundry mark 'Cause Mr. Wu 's an Air Raid Warden now One night while on his beat, a couple he did meet They were cuddling in the shelter anyhow. He said "The all clear's gone, you see" and the chap said "Boy you're telling me!" 'Cause Mr. Wu's an Air Raid Warden Now. His cousin one way in, one day was helping him To move a time-bomb from their shop, I vow, But it went off bang and there's no doubt, one way in flew one way out And Mr. Wu's no Air Raid Warden now. Oh Mr. Wu is now an Air Raid Warden, and don't he look cute in his new siren suit. He goes round every night to make the black-out sure So if you've got a chink in your window, you'll have another one at your door. A fire-bomb dropped one day, so close to him they say That he deserves a medal they all vow But perhaps what you don't understand, he put the fire out but he didn't use sand 'Cause Mr. Wu's an Air Raid Warden Now. Back To Top Of Page MY LITTLE GOAT AND ME I'm never lonely any old time I like company I do I’ve got a pal he's quite a true pal, wherever I go he goes too. Were always good companions and never disagree We're very fond of one another, My Little Goat and Me. Last night I met a French girl, she smiled and said "Wee, wee". I said don't put rude questions please, to My Little Goat and Me. We're just like brothers, each others troubles we share They call us "Silly Billy Goats" but we don t care. While resting in the country, some birds up in a tree They didn't pay the least respect to My Little Goat and Me. I never let him ramble alone, astray he has never done The lead I must take out, people can't make out Which end the goat is on. The day that I got married, my bride was all at sea As down the aisle she followed after my Little Goat and Me. At bedtime I said, Wifey, you sleep on our settee In bed there's only room enough for My Little Goat and Me. We're just like brothers, each others troubles we share They call us "Silly Billy Goats" but we don t care. Down on the farm a milkmaid as busy as can be This afternoon she milked three cows and My Little Goat and Me. A boss-eyed man was shooting at a shooting gallery He fired two shots and hit two bulls and My Little Goat and Me. Some airmen up at Hendon, searched for a flying flea I said there's thousands if you look on My Little Goat and Me. We're just like brothers, each others troubles we share They call us "Silly Billy Goats" but we don t care. Last night our housemaid shouted, ‘neath my bed - I can see Burglars, I said don't be daft, it's My Little Goat and Me. Back To Top Of Page MY LITTLE WOODEN TOOLSHED IN THE GARDEN I get no chance to rest indoors to make me fit for Monday So planned a wooden toolshed for a quiet nook on Sunday. I built it in the garden with a lovely southern view. It's quite a stately edifice and very useful too. It's really quite top hole for the firewood and the coal Is my little wooden toolshed in the garden. The dog can stretch his legs and the hen can lay her eggs In my little wooden toolshed in the garden. When my wife starts an argument at which she’s quite a knack Begins to smash the home up and the crockery to crack I tell her off quite safely for she cannot answer back In my little wooden toolshed in the garden One day I tried my voice, where they couldn't hear the noise, In my little wooden toolshed in the garden. To croon was my intent, so to interview I went. The manager down at the Winter Garden. I said "I'm going to be a crooner at the palace soon", But when he heard my voice he didn't seem to like the tune, And said "while you are safe my lad you'd better go and croon In your little wooden toolshed in the garden". One day a book I made, and the favourite I laid In my little wooden toolshed in the garden. Every punter round about thought he'd get some dope for nowt. So they all came and they backed it in the garden. The horse won in a canter but to pay I hadn't power And so my punters found me when they called in half an hour Like poor Sir Walter Raleigh locked up in the bloody tower In my little wooden toolshed in the garden. Back To Top Of Page MY PLUS FOURS When I was growing bigger, some plus fours I had made. I knew they'd suit my figure for the figure that I paid. When I bought them I was skinned, as I walked home the folks all grinned. For the three-bob sale price ticket was pinned on my plus fours. I nursed a baby once for fun, gave him some milk and when he'd done The colour all began to run on my plus fours. I've had them pressed I've had them turned but no-one can tell The front side is the backside and they're inside out as well. The first night after I was wed, my bride such nasty things she said Cos I was shy and went to bed in my plus fours. A spout I climbed my girl to see, I jumped but a rusty nail caught me And hanging from her balcony were my plus fours. I rode a moke on Hampstead Heath, I was less on top than underneath I rode three miles with a donkey's teeth in my plus fours. I've had them pressed I've had them turned but no-one can tell, The front side is the backside and they're inside out as well Once in a hospital oh lor, they X-rayed me and what is more They were surprised at what they saw in my plus fours. On a chair I sat with a girl so sweet, the paint was wet then down the street I ran like hell without a seat in my plus fours My landlady has got good sense, to start the week well she'll commence Each Monday she gets eighteen pence on my plus fours I've had them turned I've had them pressed but no-one can tell The front side is the backside and they're inside out as well. In a field I slept just near some calves, a farmer woke me through his laughs With a milkmaid he was playing draughts on my plus fours. Back To Top Of Page NOUGHTS AND CROSSES I'd rather play noughts and crosses with you Than go to the pictures or the zoo I'm very daft at dancing, at moonlight or romancing I'd rather play noughts and crosses with you. I've never been one for billiards or darts I m much too shy to play a game of hearts. At dog tracks or the races I always lose my braces I'd rather play noughts and crosses with you. Here I am, a funny sort of guy, I wouldn’t dare to hold your hand Let's begin, maybe I'll let you win, I hope that you understand Sitting around a table for two, that's the only thing I want to do There's something cute about you, I couldn't do without you Playing a simple game, tell me you feel the same I'd rather play noughts and crosses with you. I'd rather play noughts and crosses with you Than take you to a French non-stop revue. It may not be so funny, but still it saves me money. I'd rather play noughts and crosses with you. I haven't the manly figure for sports, I never think I look my best in shorts. I lose my breath at biking and as for that mixed hiking I'd rather play noughts and crosses with you. One fine day, if luck should come my way, we'll have a little kitchenette. You and me, and when we've had our tea, I hope that you won't forget Playing at noughts and crosses with you That's the only way that I can woo Though now you're far above me, in time you'll learn to love me Isn't it bold and bad - ee but I feel a lad. Playing at noughts and crosses with you. Back To Top Of Page