UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER
Casablanca, Washington, London and Quebec,
Teach us all that someone’s going to get it in the neck.
It seems to me a good idea to state what we can do,
Two simple words comprise the terms I’m offering to you.
Unconditional Surrender, that’s the thing I’m fighting
for.
Unconditional Surrender from the one that I adore.
Every time I ask for kisses, every time I hold your hand,
All you say is if - or maybe, I find it hard to understand.
On the days we have a date, you arrive hours late
I think that I’ll try being tough, guess I’ll treat you rough
Unconditional Surrender, and I’m not expecting less.
Unconditional Surrender, just a plain straightforward yes.
Unconditional Surrender, that’s the thing that I advice,
Unconditional Surrender, let me see it in your eyes.
Never mind about defences, disregard them from the start,
When you’ve finished with pretences, let me occupy your heart.
Love your figure, love your skin, I’d like to be your next of kin.
Sign upon the dotted line, say that you’ll be mine,
Unconditional Surrender, don’t be so darned hard to get,
Unconditional Surrender, merely say you’ll be my pet.
A miser old once hid his gold beneath a ruined tree.
My girl and I we set out to try and find that L.S.D.
The lightning flashed, the thunder roared, the wind it blew and the rain it
poured.
As we searched for the miser’s hoard under the blasted oak.
My girl said "I feel damp, I’ve got the creeps, and
I’ve got the cramp."
Standing here without my gamp under the blasted oak.
That miser was wiser than ever I could be,
He blessed his wealth then he blessed himself, but he put a curse on me.
I dug around the fungus plants, bitten by a million ants
And a swarm of bees settled down my pants under the blasted oak.
I said we’ll share equal shares, she caught my hand and I
caught her's
A mad bull caught me unawares under the blasted oak.
My pants were torn fore and aft. I got wild when my girl laughed.
And said, "I’ll bet you feel a draught under the blasted oak."
That miser was wiser than ever I could be,
He blessed his wealth then he blessed himself, but he put a curse on me
While searching for that L.S.D. a flock of pigeons in the tree
Soon showed me what they thought of me under the blasted oak.
Suddenly a silence fell, a ghost appeared, I gave a yell.
I cried "That miser’s here as well under the blasted oak."
Then that ghost all dressed in white said as he hugged my girl tight,
"It’s turned out nice again tonight under the blasted oak."
That miser was wiser than ever I could be,
He blessed his wealth then he blessed himself, but he put a curse on me
To prove that ghost was just a cheat, I gently lifted up his sheet
And kicked him in the dark retreat under the blasted oak.
UP IN THE AIR AND DOWN IN THE DUMPS
Now his family are the placid type who never get perturbed
But he is highly strung and always seems to be disturbed.
One moment he’ll be sitting down then gosh, out of the doors he’ll fly
He’ll come back just in time to hear his dear old mother sigh.
You’re either up in the air or down in the dumps,
You’re full of good cheer or you’re full of the grumps,
It’s hard to foresee where next you will be,
Up in the air or down in the dumps
You sigh and you moan then you sulk and you groan,
Then suddenly say, "Well I like it that way".
It isn’t amusing it’s wholly confusing
Up in the air or down in the dumps
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep
alone,
Take note of this old saying, "Strike a happier tone".
You’re either up in the air or down in the dumps,
In one of you’re high spots or one of you’re slumps,
We’re all getting tired so please be inspired,
Stay up in the air and out of the dumps.
You're up in the air or down in the dumps
You’re full of good cheer or you’re full of the grumps,
It’s hard to foresee where next you will be,
Up in the air or down in the dumps
You sigh and you moan then you sulk and you groan,
Then suddenly say, "I like it that way".
Course it isn’t amusing boys, it’s only confusing
Stay up in the air and out of the dumps
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep
alone,
Take note of this old saying, "Strike a happier tone".
You’re either up in the air or down in the dumps,
In one of you’re high spots or one of you’re slumps,
We’re all getting tired so please be inspired,
Stay up in the air – yes up in the air
Up in the air and out of the dumps.
Now we've lived in our house for years, it's a lovely house
an all
There’s doors that lead into each room and floors between each wall.
It's got two rooms upstairs and down and a washhouse at
the back
It costs another half a crown for the washhouse at the back
It's nice and cosy quite all right to make it bright and nice and light
The whitewashed walls all washed white in the washhouse at the back.
We thought we'd stage a play one night in the washhouse at
the back
With the Virgin Queen all dressed in white in the washhouse at the back
And then the King cried out so mad, 'I’ll rob you of your power by gad."
And the Virgin Queen lost all she had in the washhouse at the back.
Our Thomas cat will never stray from the washhouse at the
back.
You'll always find him night and day in the washhouse at the back.
Tho' he's in love with each Maria, to roam the tiles he's no desire
So they all sit round the copper fire in the washhouse at the back.
That's where Pa told Ma the tale in the washhouse at the
back
Their marriage lines hang on a nail in the washhouse at the back
Their honeymooning trip they broke and mother shouted, "It's no joke"
His pyjama suit she'd left to soak in the washhouse at the back.
The flute I practise every night in the washhouse at the
back
It thrills our servant with delight in the washhouse at the back.
She's extra pretty she's a beaut, on music too she's really cute
Now she loves to twiddle on my flute in the washhouse at the back
An aeroplane nose-dived one day near the washhouse at the
back.
The one thing that got in its way was the washhouse in the back.
That aeroplane in our back yard smashed every fence and windowpane
Then it swooped up in the sky again with the washhouse on its back.
Many moons ago, we went to face the foe in the far off
distant past
But now we're all with wrinkles like a lot of Rip Van Winkles.
But we re back home now at last.
We've been a long time, a long time, a terrible hell of a
long time gone.
It was the wrong time to leave the little wife,
To leave the little sweetheart at the right time of her life
And when she meets you and she greets you
With a 'hello darling' now we'll carry on
I'm going to love you more and more, the kids are at school till four
You've been a terrible hell of a long time gone,
You've been a long time, a long time, a terrible hell of a
long time gone.
It was the wrong time to leave the little wife
To leave your little sweetheart at the right time of her life,
And when she meets you and greets you
With a 'hello darling' now we'll carry on
I'm going to love you more and more than ever I did before.
You've been a terrible hell of a long time gone.
You've been a long time, a long time, a terrible hell of a
long time gone.
It was the wrong time to leave the little wife
To leave the little sweetheart at the right time of her life.
And when she meets you and greets you
With a 'hello darling' now we'll carry on
I'm going to love you more and more, so hurry and bolt the door.
You've been a terrible hell of a long time gone.
WHEN THE WATERWORKS CAUGHT FIRE
Home guards guard our waterworks, protection they require
But we got in hot water when the waterworks caught fire
Our corporal started to undress, he looked like Adam more or less
And he wore a sprig of watercress when the waterworks caught fire
Girl firefighters Flo and Toots undressed without swimming
suits
It's a good job they wore rubber boots when the waterworks caught fire.
Fire guards and home guards, they answered the call.
Red guards and white guards and blaggards and all.
Our air raid warden took a jump he might have drowned the silly chump
But his wife grabbed hold of his stirrup pump when the waterworks caught fire.
Several ducks from Farmer Cleggs staggered out on shakey legs
And started laying hard boiled eggs when the waterworks caught fire
Fanlight fanny what a scream, she dived head first into the
stream
You couldn’t see her arms for steam when the waterworks caught fire.
Fire guards and home guards, they answered the call.
Red guards and white guards and blaggards and all.
Mrs. Brown across the way, who has a cold bath every day
Was scalded on her - she won't say when the waterworks caught fire.
Stripping off their coats and slacks ladies scrubbed each others backs
The home guard paid amusement tax when the waterworks caught fire
Young firefighter Miss Mcduff, threw her job up in a huff
She said she'd spotted quite enough when the waterworks caught fire
Fire guards and home guards, they answered the call.
Red guards and white guards and blaggards and all.
One girl showed her figure fine, then she hit a floating
mine
Just below the water line, when the waterworks caught fire.
I’ve been lonely a long long time, we’ll get together
soon
In our little nest I’ll deserve a rest, after the honeymoon.
Though I feel a little bit shy, I’ll be all right by and by.
I have never been wed before, I’m going to like it I feel
quite sure
Gee, there’s something for us in store. When we feather our nest
We’ll live under a magic spell, it’ll be like heaven but sad to tell
If your mother comes round it’ll be like **** when we feather our nest
We will make our home just like a one price happiness store
There will be just you and me and maybe two or three more
You’ll have to make my wages do, I’m only earning one
pound two
That’s a pound for me and two bob for you when we feather our nest
The bed is not long enough but still, manage somehow I know we will
I’ll sleep with my feet on the window sill, when we feather our nest.
We’ve got a garage but don’t forget, we can’t afford
a car just yet.
We must save up for a sewing machine, when we feather our nest.
We will make our home just like a one price happiness store
There will be just you and me and maybe three or four more
We’ll keep our garden up to scratch, slugs and snails I’ll
let you catch
But don’t muck about with the cabbage patch, when we feather our nest
The parlour’s small, seven feet by four, we’ll take our piano to bits I’m
sure
And push all the parts underneath the floor, when we feather our nest.
A lovely bathroom all brand new, you’ll splash me, yes
and I’ll splash you
And we’ll see such a lot of each other too, when we feather our nest.
We will make our home just like a one price happiness store
There will be just you and me and maybe two or three more.
Around the house there’ll be jobs galore, you'll bet I’ll
do my share and more
And you’ll soon find out what a husband’s for, when we feather our nest.
You cannot be too careful in this world of ours today
A little hasty action and there's often lots to pay
But I've reached one conclusion so I'll tell you right away
If anyone gets tough with you, well this is what you say - oi
Who are you a shoving of, who do you think you be
Who are you a shoving of, keep your hands off me.
I can't see why you pick on me.
Who are you a shoving of, kindly let me be.
A chap worked in a quarry with a load of dynamite
He lit his pipe and dropped the match and set the stuff alight.
His workmates couldn't find him when the smoke had cleared away
But somewhere up above the clouds the angels heard him say
Who are you a shoving of, who do you think you be
Who are you a shoving of, keep your hands off me.
I can't see why you pick on me.
Who are you a shoving of, kindly let me be.
There was a handsome soldier boy who sat down in the park
Beside a pretty nursemaid who looked ready for a lark.
We'll never know what happened or what really occurred,
But this we know for certain is what everybody heard - ey!
Who are you a shoving of, who do you think you be
Who are you a shoving of, keep your hands off me.
I can't see why you pick on me.
Who are you a shoving of, kindly let me be.
I know a blooming soldier who got the blooming hump,
They put him in the paratroops and said he'd have to jump.
He said it seems a silly way to take a trip to town.
They pushed him out and heard him shout as he went floating down - oi!
Who are you a shoving of, who do you think you be
Who are you a shoving of, keep your hands off me.
I can't see why you pick on me.
Who are you a shoving of, kindly let me be.
A nasty little U boat came a snooping round the fleet
A couple of destroyers thought he ought to have a treat.
They dropped a little egg or two, there was a mighty plop.
Then Cap-it-an Von Stinkle-bum came gurgling to the top.
Who are you a shoving of, who do you think you be
Who are you a shoving of, keep your hands off me.
I can't see why you pick on me.
Who are you a shoving of, kindly let me be.
Now I know I’m not handsome, no good looks or wealth
But the girls I chase say my plain face will compromise their health.
Now I know fellows worse than me bow-legged and boss-eyed
Walking out with lovely women clinging to their side.
Now if women like them like men like those, why don’t
women like me?
Look at Empress Josephine, the most attractive women that ever was seen,
Yet Napoleon short and fat, captivates a lovely looking dame like that
Now if women like them like men like those - why don’t women like me?
Hey, hey, why don’t women like me?
Last night I went I out walking, my intentions were to
click
But the sights I saw while walking out, they nearly made me sick.
I must admit I saw some girls, attractive little dears
Arm in arm with ugly men with cauliflower ears.
Now if women like them like men like those - why don’t
women like me?
What can the attraction be, that’s the thing that always starts to worry me.
Although I haven’t got a bean, I’ve got a lot of things that girls have
never seen.
Now if women like them like men like those - why don’t women like me?
Hey, hey, why don’t women like me?
Now I went for my holidays down to the gay seaside,
I saw a lot of things there being hidden by the tide.
The way some women jumped around the man there in the sea
Made me think that there is still a good chance left for me.
‘Cause if women like them like men like those, why don’t
women like me
Of all the shapes and sizes there I’ve got a chance of clicking yet I do
declare.
For I don’t want to be a nark, I saw a lot of things below the watermark.
Now if women like them like men like those, why don’t women like me?
Hey, hey - why don’t women like me?
Now if women like them like men like those, why don’t
women like me?
Take Lord Nelson with one limb, Lady William Hamilton she fell for him.
With one eye and one arm gone west, she ran like the devil and she grabbed the
rest.
Now if women like them like men like those, why don’t women like me?
Hey, hey - why don’t women like me?
Now I go window cleaning to earn an honest bob.
For a nosey parker it's an interesting job
Now it's a job that just suits me, a window cleaner you will be.
If you could see what I can see
When I'm cleaning windows.
Honeymooning couples too, you should see them bill and
coo.
You'd be surprised at things they do
When I'm cleaning windows.
In my profession I work hard, but I'll never stop.
I'll climb this blinking ladder ‘til I get right to the top.
The blushing bride she looks divine, the bridegroom he is
doing fine
I'd rather have his job than mine
When I'm cleaning windows.
The chambermaid sweet names I call, it's a wonder I don't fall.
My minds not on my work at all
When I'm cleaning windows
I know a fellow such a swell, he has a thirst that's plain to tell.
I've seen him drink his bath as well
When I'm cleaning windows
In my profession I'll work hard, but I'll never stop.
I'll climb this blinking ladder ‘til I get right to the top.
Pyjamas lying side by side, ladies nighties I have spied.
I've often seen what goes inside, when I'm cleaning windows.
There's a famous talkie queen, looks a flapper on the
screen.
She's more like eighty than eighteen
When I'm cleaning windows.
She pulls her hair all down behind, then pulls down her,
never mind
After that pulls down the blind
When I'm cleaning windows.
In my profession I'll work hard, but I'll never stop.
I'll climb this blinking ladder ‘til I get right to the top.
At eight o'clock a girl she wakes, at five past eight a
bath she takes.
At ten-past eight my ladder breaks
When I'm cleaning windows.
You've heard about my capers when windows I've to clean.
Now I'd like to tell you of a few more things I've seen
I've seen Miss Thompson in her flat take off her shoes her
coat and hat
I've seen her take off more than that, when I'm cleaning windows.
At a ladies school I call, one girl flirts with me and all
I'm insured in case I fall, when I'm cleaning windows.
All day up this ladder I'm as busy as can be
It's not my fault I see a lot of things I shouldn't see
To overcrowded flats I've been, sixteen in one bed I've
seen
With a lodger tucked up in between, when I'm cleaning windows
Old soldiers never die they say, now I don't want to pass
away
I kick the bucket every day when I'm cleaning windows
Through working at such dizzy heights, I dream about my job
at night
I polish my wife's thin gummy tights, and think I'm cleaning windows.
All day up this ladder I'm as busy as can be
It's not my fault I see a lot of things I shouldn't see
The newlyweds at number six, somehow the curtains they
can't fix
They play some lovely parlour tricks,
When I' m cleaning windows
Now lots of girls I've had to jilt, for they admire the way
I'm built
It's a good job I don't wear a kilt, when I'm cleaning windows.
At the coronation I'll commence to work where crowds are
very dense
And let me stand for eighteen pence, instead of cleaning windows. .
All day up this ladder I'm as busy as can be
It's not my fault I see a lot of things I shouldn't see
At eight o'clock a girl she wakes, at five past eight a
bath she takes.
At ten past eight my ladder breaks, when I’m cleaning windows.
WITH MY LITTLE UKULELE IN MY HAND
Now everybody’s got a crazy notion of their own
Some like to mix up with a crowd, some like to be alone
It’s no one else’s business as far as I can see
But every time that I go out the people stare at me
With my little ukulele in my hand, of course the people do
not understand
Some say why don’t you be a scout, why don’t you read a book?
But I get lots more pleasure when I’m playing with my uke.
Of course I take no notice you can tell
For mother’s sound advice will always stand.
She said "My boy do what I say and you’ll never go astray
If you keep your ukulele in your hand, yes son
Keep your ukulele in your hand."
While walking down the prom last night as peaceful as can
be
When some young girl said "what about a stroll down by the sea?"
She said her name was Jane and that she’d just come for the day.
She looked so young and harmless that I couldn’t turn away
So with my little ukulele in my hand, I took a stroll with Jane along the sand.
We walked along for miles without a single care or frown
But when we reached the sand hills she said "Come on let’s sit
down."
I felt so shy and bashful sitting there, ‘cause the things I said she didn’t
understand
She said "Your love just turns me dizzy, come along big boy get busy"
But I kept my ukulele in my hand, yes sir, I kept my ukulele in my hand.
Made up my mind that I’d get wed some eighteen months
ago.
I also bought a book about the things you want to know.
But just about a week ago I got a awful fright,
I had to get dressed quickly in the middle of the night.
And with my little ukulele in my hand, I ran along the road for Dr. Brand
It didn’t take him long to get his little bag of tools.
I held his hat and coat and let him have my book of rules.
Out of the bedroom door he looked and smiled
He said, "Come inside and see your wife and child."
My heart it jumped with joy, I could see it was a boy
For he had a ukulele in his hand, oh baby
He had a ukulele in his hand.
To take a trip on a great big ship one day I took the
notion
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
But the ship got wrecked which I didn’t expect and it tipped me in the ocean
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
I swam around for umpteen weeks and reached the Zulu isle
With the aid of a rope and a bar of soap I landed with a smile
On Wunga Bunga Boo, on Wuga Bunga Boo
Where dressings not extensive and clothes are not expensive
The girls out there are really beauts and walk out in their bathing suits
A string of beads and Russian boots, in Wunga Bunga Boo
I heard a roar and on the shore, the chief said,
"Pleased to meet you"
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, "You look" he said like dairy fed
It’ll do us good to eat you, yo ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
The last white meat we had to eat was an old man lean and bald
When cooked, we found that he didn’t go round so we’re very glad you called
On Wunga Bunga Boo, on Wunga Bunga Boo
While fighting, Big Chief Ko-Ko, he went and lost his Bo-Co
The doctor stuck it on quite pat, but upside down, now fancy that
He blew his nose and lost his hat in Wunga Bunga Boo
In Wunga Bunga Boo, in Wunga Bunga Boo
An M.P. last September, got something to remember
A lion chased him down the street and bit him during his retreat
That’s how he nearly lost his seat, in Wunga Bunga Boo.
WITH MY LITTLE STICK OF BLACK ROCK
Every year when summer comes round, off to
the sea I go.
I don't care if I do spend a pound, I'm rather rash I know.
See me dressed like all the sports, in my blazer and a pair of shorts.
With my little stick of Blackpool Rock, along the promenade I stroll.
It may be sticky but I never complain, it's nice to have a nibble at it now and
again
Every day wherever I stray the kids all round me flock.
One afternoon the band conductor up on his stand
Somehow lost his baton - it flew out of his hand
So I jumped in his place and then conducted the band
With my little stick of Blackpool Rock
With my little stick of Blackpool Rock,
along the promenade I stroll,
In my pocket it got stuck I could tell
‘Cos when I pulled it out I pulled my
shirt off as well
Every day wherever I stray the kids all round me flock.
A girl while bathing clung to me, my wits I'd to use
She cried, "I'm drowning, and to save me, you won't refuse"
I said, "Well if you’re drowning then I don't want to lose
My little stick of Blackpool Rock."
With my little stick of Blackpool Rock,
along the promenade I stroll
In the ballroom I went dancing each night
No wonder every girl that danced with me, stuck to me tight
Every day wherever I stray the kids all
round me flock.
A fellow took my photograph it cost one and three.
I said when it was done, "Is that supposed to be me?"
"You've properly mucked it up the only thing I can see is
My little stick of Blackpool Rock."